Monday, February 21, 2011

After honesty

If I wasn't clear enough in my earlier posts, let me say it now.
This last week has been in many ways a living hell.
But, that’s not the whole story.
So Valentine's day was not at all what I expected. What began with a religious discussion turned into a talk about gay marriage and then, bombshell, our marriage.
It was like having the rug pulled out from under you, or the glass house you've built shattered, or whatever analogy best communicates the idea that all my perceptions of how and what I thought our marriage were were shattered.
My wife has been suffering, feeling alone. Hearing things like, "I knew if things didn't change we were heading for divorce." Yikes. But it means she feels things can change.
The other night round two of brutal honesty occurred. There was a moment when I thought, "This is impossible. There's no hope."Maybe others have better luck, but 3 am conversations about how our marriage is doing are probably not the best idea. That being said, there came a point when I think we sort of came to a truce or an understanding.
And things have been better since that. The next day was fabulous. I took my wife out, things were good. I think in a way it was own little miracle, God's gift to me to tell me to not give up hope.
So then what? Does that last? in a way yes. I feel so much more peace about everything, even though the problems in my marriage haven't gone away.
But then in a way no. Things come up. Life happens. Problems still there. Eventually we have to face them and own up to them, because my reactions and ways of dealing with them before are all still there. Unlearning that is hard.
I just hope we can do it with a lot more calmness than sort of the head plunging go all outness terror that's been happening the last two weeks. My honesty post probably didn't do that justice, but that's how it feels.
But then I come back to that calm reassurance I felt. Part of the calm was realizing that I didn't have to solve my problems immediately. That it's ok if it takes a long time to deal with them.
I even realized that they may never go away. But working towards resolving them, or learning how to best deal with them, that's the goal of a lifetime.


  1. It is worth it, Alex. I'm glad that you're feeling more peace, and that you've got the right goals in sight. We live each day one day at a time...

    Keep the faith, brother. We're all in this together.

  2. A helpful book for you and your wife might be "When Husbands Come Out of the Closet". It will help to normalize the events you are going through and offers helpful advice with a hopeful message toward making marriage work and may help you to avoid some of the pitfalls that come from navigating through the territory of being married and attracted to men.

  3. Thanks. I'll definitely have to check it out.