Then I pull out the evergreen manual, something I’d stuffed away in a corner for years. I’m afraid to talk to a therapist cause. who knows what they’d say! I try to do some serious emergency self reparative therapy. I’m staying up crying at night for reasons I don’t really understand. Months go by.
I start to realize something is really wrong. I’m getting more and more depressed, and feeling more and more alone. So now what do I do? I start for the first time in years to reach out, writing something on a forum. Then I talk to my wife, tell her that I'm still attracted to her, but I'm really attracted to men. It hasn't gone away in all this time. I don't know what to do. She says, "well what would you do if we weren't married"..."Probably live a lonely celibate life." That doesn't seem like a good option to either of us. We move on.
She tells me it’s ok, just that I better not cheat on her.
I decide to go finally to meet with a counselor. I find myself talking, and talking, and talking about how I really feel. I start to read more and more on blogs and forums, trying to figure out how other people feel and how they deal with this. I start to look back over all the years.
And I realize, I'm gay. I’ve been gay. It didn’t just change one day. And it's not going to change.
I had been lied to. And worst of all I had lied to myself.
At first it’s overwhelming, trying to figure out what that actually means for my life (I’m still in that process). And then I feel the greatest relief I’ve felt in years. All that depression, all that wondering if it would be better for everyone if I were dead, it’s gone.
So here I am. I can't really go back to the innocence of not knowing. I can't (yet) get over feeling angry at all the people who told me that I could get married, and it would work out.
Others told me that just cause I was aroused by men didn't mean I was gay, I was just a teenager. That my sexual desires were just trying to fulfill unmet emotional needs, or to complete a missing dynamic from my relationship with my parents (Sources: evergreen books, parents, and LDS therapists). I was lied to by all the people that "Change is possible."
Then on top of that there was all the pressure at BYU to get married, all the failed dates and relationships. All the frustration.
Is any of that my wife’s fault? Absolutely not.
But the reason I got married? I love her. I feel that despite all the lies I’ve been told and all the delusion I’ve lived under. And I want to be loved by someone, I want to talk to someone about the things in my soul, someone to laugh with, to cry with. Someone to be with me when times are hard. She’s all that and more to me.
It’s still confusing though.
We've talked very openly about this. She doesn't want to divorce me. She really loves me. And I love her, but I don't know how to resolve this.
I don't understand it all. I don't know what I should do about it all. But here I am. And I feel like some of you out there can totally understand what I'm going through. That gives me hope, reading your stories, knowing I'm not alone. Can I do this? Am I crazy? I think so sometimes. But then I also feel such a deep love, such a deep desire to hold onto my best friend. You can see why someone doesn't just give that up.
But? And it’s that “but” that’s keeping me up at night, writing this blog.