After reading a lot of blogs, doing a lot of thinking. I have been trying to figure out, why did I get married?
The beginning of the answer is that's what a good Mormon boy would do. It's what my parents wanted for me, my bishops, all the wards and stake activities I went to told me I needed to do. All the priesthood leaders I talked to. The church tells us that marriage shouldn't be a therapeutic step, but that if attractions can be overcome then marriage is possible. Ok.
So I knew at 17 I was gay. That’s another story. When I turned 18, I went to my first evergreen conference with my Dad. (telling my parents, another story). I heard the testimonials that "change is possible." And men talk about how they went from having sex in bathrooms and getting excommunicated to meeting wonderful women and getting married. They talked about being open with their spouses and everything working out great. The wedding night, they were terrified of, but it was easier than they thought. Sounded like I didn’t wanna be gay. I got some books and went on my way.
Then I went to Byu-Idaho, and got set into missionary mindset. I found a friend to talk about my struggles. I thought, you know, if I work hard, if I dedicate my life to God, maybe he'll bless me with that miracle of a family. This is all I want in the world, to have a family of my own. I took a "The family: A proclamation to the world" class (I was the only guy)and was indoctrinated of the importance of protecting the family and how the family was under attack. I went on a mission, told my president "I struggle with SSA" and he told me God would help me and that someday I would stand up to those people who "have it all wrong”. Most important, someday I would have a family.
I came home from my mission and went to BYU. I taught at the MTC. I was an executive secretary in my student ward. I start dating a girl(I met at an evergreen conference, that’s a whole nother interesting story). We break up but stay friends.
I was the good little Mormon boy. Somewhere in this process I believed, I believed that maybe I had changed. I don't know exactly why I thought this. It wasn't as if I was spontaneously attracted to women, but I would say I was getting good at ignoring my attraction to men, repressing it and moving on. And one day I thought. Here it is! I have this under control. I’ve “overcome” this. I should get married!