This isn't "my story" by any means, I'm working up to that.
But I want to say that it's ok to be gay. It's taken me a long time to realize this. For years and years I would freak out when I thought a guy was cute, or feeling attractions, but you know what? There's no reason to freak out about it. There's no reason to feel like you need to repress feelings, feelings are feelings. I feel so much better after I've come to admit this to myself, and tell others about it. I am by no means "out", but as I talk to family my wife, and others I can trust about what I've come to understand being gay, I feel a lot of freedom. No one has rejected me, I've felt a lot of love. Not that there aren't misunderstandings, but I've never felt closer to the people I love.
I guess the reason for this post is that for years I tried to change these feelings, frustrated when I kept being unable to do it. But when I was 17, in the midst of a lot of inner turmoil (more on that later), I remember praying. I prayed to God to ask what I should do. And the message? It's ok. I thought, how could this be ok? What does it mean, "it's ok?" I've been searching for that answer for years. Now 10 years later, after trying to fight it, I realize that all along God was trying to get me to stop freaking out, to stop worrying so much about something that was outside of my control.
Those 10 years were extremely painful.It's been a private hell trying to somehow solve this problem. I blamed my parents, I blamed God, myself, that I had done something to become gay.... but that's not why I'm attracted to men. And really I'm ok with not knowing. I read all kinds of things, that I just needed to conform to gender norms better (I am actually quite fine with the fact that I'm a man), that if I felt closer to my Dad, that if I just worked through this hard enough my feelings and attractions would eventually change.
They didn't. And now I realize, it's alright. It's ok for me to be gay. This is part of who I am, and I'm ok with that. I used to stay up late at night crying, wondering why God wouldn't just take this away. But now once again, I know that it's ok.