Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Why did I get married? Part 2 (and how it happened)

Then I met the woman who would be my wife. I didn't know then. I think it's harder for us to know maybe. But we spent all this time together, I really enjoyed being with her. And I knew she wanted it to go further. I didn't want to lose her, so we started dating (October).
Then I knew she expected me to kiss her. I made all kinds of excuses as to why I wasn't, but then it happened. After a week!I couldn't believe it. (I was also on pain meds, but again, that’s another story) And, it felt good! Here I was, oh boy! I'm a real boy!
Then I wasn't exactly jumping at kissing her more, longer or more often. After all, I was a good Mormon boy. That must be why I wasn’t trying to make out. But it happened. And you know, it was nice. Awkward at times, but nice.
Then we break up. I tell her it's for another girl, that it's because "she's not spiritual enough." I start to talk to another girl over the internet that I'd met in Mexico and we start making plans to get married. It's going to be a perfectly righteous wholesome marriage. (December)
Then I am about to fly to see her, but my “ex” is still in my ward. I think more about it and I decide I'm not going to fly to go see this other girl, that's a bad idea. I'm going to start dating my “ex” again. I apologize. I tell her I was a jerk I was). She forgives me (February).
We date, we talk about marriage. I meet her parents she meets mine. I ask her Dad if we can get married (it's May). I pray to ask, ok, now can I get married? The answer, "no." It dawns on me that maybe I haven't dealt with "my SSA".
Then I tell her I'm "attracted to men." It’s August. I expect to break up. She says, it doesn't matter. We can still get married. She's committed to me, am I going to commit to her? (August)
Then I move away unexpectedly, but we're still dating.
Then I start to “struggle.” I’m looking at guys, underwear models, all sorts of guys. I start to play video games a lot to distract myself. I think "it's just because I miss her." I write her a letter and she comes to visit. It’s November. And I propose.
She moves to California nearby. We see each other every day. I’m getting more and more used to physical intimacy (although it still sort of terrifies me). And overall, I’m excited to get married. This is what I’ve always wanted.
One day my fiancĂ©e asks me a question about what kind of lingerie I want, what my fantasies are. “I don’t know really.” I’m a little dumbfounded, what do I say? But we move on.
I get married in the temple. I go on my honeymoon. We have move into our new apartment. I'm having sex. It’s just like they said, I think. I’ve changed.
Years go by. I can pretend to be normal pretty well. I'm addicted to video games, and yes I sleep on the couch sometimes, and no I don’t go to bed at the same time as my wife. And yes, I’m always confused about sex. I'm not usually the one that initiates sex, I'm not thinking about it all day, but hey it's happening. But nothing’s wrong, I say. When I go to the gym, to the BYU pool, when I pass the underwear section in the store, I stare a little too long. But nothing's wrong, I think.
When I really start to get pulled to thinking about men at night. I think, "I’m not having sex as often anymore…. I’m just sexually frustrated." She goes away on trips and I think “wow this is hard.” I am looking at guys on the internet, “testing” myself to see how well I’ve overcome my SSA. But I think, it’s ok..I can just get over it.
It’s getting harder and harder to just ignore my attraction to men. Then more time goes by, sex is starting to feel different. These feelings don’t go away. I dream of men at night. I start to realize I’ve never fantasized in daydreams and rarely (if ever) in nightdreams about a woman.
And then it dawned on me. I don’t find other women attractive. I don’t think about other women. I don't often even think about my wife. I fantasize about men.
This wasn't a sudden thing. There were signs all along. When I watched the movie "Inn and Out" and thought, crap! I'm gay! But then after being with my wife I think, ya I guess I’m being ridiculous. After all, I’m married right?


  1. Wow, such similar feelings and experiences, right down to teaching at the MTC. My MTC teacher is a gay blogger and married as well. I wonder if there is something in the water down there!

    It only took me 23 years of married life to admit to myself that I am gay and be okay with it. I am not ashamed of it. My wife knows, my kids know (they range in age from 16 to 24) my in-laws know. It just isn't a big deal. I've committed to a monogamous life with my wife (although I had a few troubled spots before I "came out to myself") Life, while sometimes challenging, is good.


  2. Thank you. It's very encouraging to hear your experiences.