Wednesday, May 11, 2011


So the question weighing on my mind is, am I bisexual?
This is a harder question to answer than you'd think. On the Kinsey scale, based on my behavior, I'm by definition bisexual. Whatever my attractions, identity, etc, that makes me bisexual.

I feel like the identity gay mostly fits, but these gay shoes I'm trying to grow into are a little uncomfortable. So why is this difficult? There's on the one hand the religious beliefs which prohibit exploration of the homosexual side of things, and and the Evergreen brainwashing which got me to try to diminish one side and increase the other. On the other hand, I enjoyed having sex with my wife and I found it fulfilling for years. I can't just disregard years of sexual experiences, years of data if you will, because now I'm being more "honest" and out.
I really do love my wife. We're separated but that feeling, that love, is real.
I wonder if this happens to anyone else.
Then the question on my mind is, if I'm bisexual, did I do the right thing?
Hard to know. Hard to fix now.
I guess my point is that rushing to identify as gay is not a magic pill. Coming out is not a sublime ecstasy. There are great things about it. There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with the sexual attractions, feelings, love between two men and two women. But there's nothing wrong with being bisexual either. The truth is that all of us are on a spectrum and continuum of sexuality and sexual orientation.
Things aren't as cut and dry as they always seem.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Powerful Thoughts: "A gay Mormon's perspective"

My friend recommended this video to me. It's part of a video blog and there are a number of them on Youtube. I can relate to him a lot.

This is a powerful video. He talks about his Mormon friend that committed suicide. If you are gay and Mormon, you need to see this.

This really affected me. I've been going back and forth with the church, looking at it this way or that. I love the church, the gospel. I have my doubts and questions, but I could see myself participating at church in spite of those.

But at this point, I don't care if the church is true or not anymore. I don't care if they do a lot of good. I don't think I can be part of the church if it's causing me such misery. I've felt that, that desire to just die. It's what caused me to say, this isn't right. I'm not supposed to be living the gospel, married in the temple to a good woman, and feeling like I want my life to be over.

Then I accepted myself as gay. And while it's obviously been a difficult road, I've never felt that since. I've felt sadness and pain at getting divorced, frustrated with family, but also peace with myself. I've felt hope for the future. My faith in God and his plan for me has strengthened.

Luckily in my case, it never became as serious as Clark's friend. I've never personally been at the point where I planned or attempted suicide but I do know gay Mormons who have. This is something I've been thinking about ever since I read Rob's recent post.I don't hate the church. But how many more Mormon youth, and some even older have to commit suicide before things change? How many more families have to fall apart before the church stops recommending or pressuring gay people to get married? I do not mean to say that everyone should up and get divorced. Quite the opposite. I respect that decision to stay married, and even to get married under certain conditions. But I do believe we need to look at how much pressure there is and allow some room for people, LGBT and otherwise, that shouldn't have to feel like to be part of the kingdom of God they have to deny their existence or human dignity.

Not only should we not recommend marriage as a fix or cure as President Hinckley said, we shouldn't suggest that people need to be fixed or cured at all. The church isn't there yet.

And until that changes, I think I'm going to have to sit out for a while. As much as people say otherwise, there is no place for me within Mormon doctrine, at least as currently revealed. More importantly, there's no room for me in church practice and procedure. To the LDS church, I'm an aberration. I don't fit into the paradigm being taught. I hold out hope that I exist somewhere in that "we believe God will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God."

I think for my own survival and happiness it may be the best decision to be Mormon, but not be in the church. At least for the time being.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Response to (Gay) Mormon Guy

Gay Mormon guy apparently chose not to publish my comment to this post. I want to say I think he is doing something admirable, helping members of the church change their predjudices about homosexuality. Still, I feel the right to publish my own comment, so I'll go ahead and write about it here. My comment is as follows:

This is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. I’m like you, a gay Mormon guy. As of recently, I’m a divorced gay Mormon guy. So where does that leave me in the kingdom of God?
I get frustrated when I talk with family members and they tell me that I should pray to God to “overcome my Same-sex attraction.” I know in my heart they are wrong. It can’t be overcome. I’m going to feel these feelings and attractions the rest of my life. It’s…natural. And we don’t ask people with “opposite-sex attraction” to overcome or pray away their feelings of attraction for the opposite sex. We tell them to wait until marriage. We tell them to “bridle their passions.” It should be the same with people who are gay.
The more I research and talk to people in the LGBT community, the more I realize how natural it all is. They love each other. They have fulfilling relationships. They in some cases have great families.
The more I experience, I realize that being in a relationship with someone of the same-sex is completely natural. For a long time, I used this as a sort of justification for saying that the church can’t be true, the church is wrong. I think a lot of people feel my frustration. People tell you that just being you is wrong, when it isn’t. Luckily, Elder Holland seems to understand.
But the issue isn’t whether or not it is natural. If you are a believing latter-day saint, you believe in the law of chastity. If you take a step back, it’s perfectly natural for a man and a woman to have sex. It’s maybe the most natural thing that there is. That doesn’t mean that it is allowed under the laws of God or the church. You still have to be married even if it’s natural.
Do people who aren’t married love each other? Absolutely. Do they sometimes have kids and are they good parents. Yes!
Should we condemn and hate people that don’t follow the law of chastity? Of course not! That goes for gay or straight people. We are supposed to welcome people and teach them the gospel.
I respect your decision, but let me tell you, I don’t think I can make it. I’m struggling with it. Because if all I was giving up was having sex, that’s one thing.
But I’m not allowed under the church to be married to the person I can love and be in a fulfilling relationship with. This would take much longer to explain than I possibly could in a few lines, but I was physically and psychologically incapable of giving my wife the love she deserves. I was married for three years before I finally came to that realization. It was/is hard.
And so my dream in life is to have a family. It’s to find someone I love and who loves me back. This is not an unrighteous desire! I believe that God wants me to be happy. And though this isn’t unique to gays and lesbians, to tell me that I can never have a family, I can never have the love and companionship of a spouse, to tell me that I can never have the happiness I want, doesn't feel right. Unlike my lovely heterosexual brothers and sisters, I can’t choose to obey the law of chastity by getting married. I can’t work towards being married. So while in essence the law of chastity is the same as heterosexuals who never marry, in my case there isn’t even the possibility. I can only choose to obey it by being celibate.
I don’t know how to make that choice.