So the question weighing on my mind is, am I bisexual?
This is a harder question to answer than you'd think. On the Kinsey scale, based on my behavior, I'm by definition bisexual. Whatever my attractions, identity, etc, that makes me bisexual.
I feel like the identity gay mostly fits, but these gay shoes I'm trying to grow into are a little uncomfortable. So why is this difficult? There's on the one hand the religious beliefs which prohibit exploration of the homosexual side of things, and and the Evergreen brainwashing which got me to try to diminish one side and increase the other. On the other hand, I enjoyed having sex with my wife and I found it fulfilling for years. I can't just disregard years of sexual experiences, years of data if you will, because now I'm being more "honest" and out.
I really do love my wife. We're separated but that feeling, that love, is real.
I wonder if this happens to anyone else.
Then the question on my mind is, if I'm bisexual, did I do the right thing?
Hard to know. Hard to fix now.
I guess my point is that rushing to identify as gay is not a magic pill. Coming out is not a sublime ecstasy. There are great things about it. There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with the sexual attractions, feelings, love between two men and two women. But there's nothing wrong with being bisexual either. The truth is that all of us are on a spectrum and continuum of sexuality and sexual orientation.
Things aren't as cut and dry as they always seem.
I totally agree! Although i am quite a bit less experienced in life and younger...i too ask myself some of these same questions. I am not sure if it will ever be clear whether i am bisexual or not. I wish you luck on this journey! I am in on it with you...
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing. It helps :)
You say: "I feel like the identity gay mostly fits, but these gay shoes I'm trying to grow into are a little uncomfortable."
ReplyDeleteIt always surprises me (kind of) when people come out as gay, end their marriages to find fulfillment, and completely change themselves or take on some new identity... I'm not saying this happens all the time. But it does happen.
I don't think you need to feel like you're SUPPOSED to "grow into gay shoes".
Instead, just add some color to the shoes you've already been wearing. :)
Take care bro.
Hey Hey LJ take it easy on me.
ReplyDeleteBut you know, I agree. I don't think I have to make any shoes or labels fit. I don't really like to conform anyway. That goes for the Mormon part of my identity right now too. I'm not your typical Mormon. I'm a pretty queer one in fact.
I'm not straight, but that doesn't mean that I'm gay automatically. It all comes down to terms. If gay means I'm sexually attracted to guys, yup. Fits like a glove.
If straight or heterosexual means I have sex with girls. Then that's what I am. I think that was how I viewed identity.
Seems like sort of a disconnect.
Or is it?
Neither way of identifying fully satisfies me. So I'm either a non-identifiable "moho" or a "Mobi" (lol). Really though, I might just be bi. That doesn't mean 50/50, but it means there's some give and take.
For some reason I'm hesitant to don that label, but I wasn't hesitant to don either straight or gay. I mean I never said "I'm straight." But I certainly tried to be.
Look where that got me.
I worry trying to fit the gay box might work out just as well.
Couldn't I just be bi or have no label? I certainly relate to people who tell me they are bi.
I think I'm going to dust off the purple shoes and go out for a walk.
Bottom line: labels suck! we don't all fit into a label and we shouldn't have to. whether the label is gay, bisexual, or even mormon..or anything ha but these days people need to have something to label you as. So sometimes, most of the time, the label is wrong in some way. Don't fret over it too much, even tho I do too ha. YOU are YOU :)
ReplyDeleteBlogger killed your comments. But thanks for those who posted.
ReplyDelete