My friend recommended this video to me. It's part of a video blog and there are a number of them on Youtube. I can relate to him a lot.
This is a powerful video. He talks about his Mormon friend that committed suicide. If you are gay and Mormon, you need to see this.
This really affected me. I've been going back and forth with the church, looking at it this way or that. I love the church, the gospel. I have my doubts and questions, but I could see myself participating at church in spite of those.
But at this point, I don't care if the church is true or not anymore. I don't care if they do a lot of good. I don't think I can be part of the church if it's causing me such misery. I've felt that, that desire to just die. It's what caused me to say, this isn't right. I'm not supposed to be living the gospel, married in the temple to a good woman, and feeling like I want my life to be over.
Then I accepted myself as gay. And while it's obviously been a difficult road, I've never felt that since. I've felt sadness and pain at getting divorced, frustrated with family, but also peace with myself. I've felt hope for the future. My faith in God and his plan for me has strengthened.
Luckily in my case, it never became as serious as Clark's friend. I've never personally been at the point where I planned or attempted suicide but I do know gay Mormons who have. This is something I've been thinking about ever since I read Rob's recent post.I don't hate the church. But how many more Mormon youth, and some even older have to commit suicide before things change? How many more families have to fall apart before the church stops recommending or pressuring gay people to get married? I do not mean to say that everyone should up and get divorced. Quite the opposite. I respect that decision to stay married, and even to get married under certain conditions. But I do believe we need to look at how much pressure there is and allow some room for people, LGBT and otherwise, that shouldn't have to feel like to be part of the kingdom of God they have to deny their existence or human dignity.
Not only should we not recommend marriage as a fix or cure as President Hinckley said, we shouldn't suggest that people need to be fixed or cured at all. The church isn't there yet.
And until that changes, I think I'm going to have to sit out for a while. As much as people say otherwise, there is no place for me within Mormon doctrine, at least as currently revealed. More importantly, there's no room for me in church practice and procedure. To the LDS church, I'm an aberration. I don't fit into the paradigm being taught. I hold out hope that I exist somewhere in that "we believe God will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God."
I think for my own survival and happiness it may be the best decision to be Mormon, but not be in the church. At least for the time being.