Monday, May 2, 2011

Response to (Gay) Mormon Guy

Gay Mormon guy apparently chose not to publish my comment to this post. I want to say I think he is doing something admirable, helping members of the church change their predjudices about homosexuality. Still, I feel the right to publish my own comment, so I'll go ahead and write about it here. My comment is as follows:

This is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. I’m like you, a gay Mormon guy. As of recently, I’m a divorced gay Mormon guy. So where does that leave me in the kingdom of God?
I get frustrated when I talk with family members and they tell me that I should pray to God to “overcome my Same-sex attraction.” I know in my heart they are wrong. It can’t be overcome. I’m going to feel these feelings and attractions the rest of my life. It’s…natural. And we don’t ask people with “opposite-sex attraction” to overcome or pray away their feelings of attraction for the opposite sex. We tell them to wait until marriage. We tell them to “bridle their passions.” It should be the same with people who are gay.
The more I research and talk to people in the LGBT community, the more I realize how natural it all is. They love each other. They have fulfilling relationships. They in some cases have great families.
The more I experience, I realize that being in a relationship with someone of the same-sex is completely natural. For a long time, I used this as a sort of justification for saying that the church can’t be true, the church is wrong. I think a lot of people feel my frustration. People tell you that just being you is wrong, when it isn’t. Luckily, Elder Holland seems to understand.
But the issue isn’t whether or not it is natural. If you are a believing latter-day saint, you believe in the law of chastity. If you take a step back, it’s perfectly natural for a man and a woman to have sex. It’s maybe the most natural thing that there is. That doesn’t mean that it is allowed under the laws of God or the church. You still have to be married even if it’s natural.
Do people who aren’t married love each other? Absolutely. Do they sometimes have kids and are they good parents. Yes!
Should we condemn and hate people that don’t follow the law of chastity? Of course not! That goes for gay or straight people. We are supposed to welcome people and teach them the gospel.
I respect your decision, but let me tell you, I don’t think I can make it. I’m struggling with it. Because if all I was giving up was having sex, that’s one thing.
But I’m not allowed under the church to be married to the person I can love and be in a fulfilling relationship with. This would take much longer to explain than I possibly could in a few lines, but I was physically and psychologically incapable of giving my wife the love she deserves. I was married for three years before I finally came to that realization. It was/is hard.
And so my dream in life is to have a family. It’s to find someone I love and who loves me back. This is not an unrighteous desire! I believe that God wants me to be happy. And though this isn’t unique to gays and lesbians, to tell me that I can never have a family, I can never have the love and companionship of a spouse, to tell me that I can never have the happiness I want, doesn't feel right. Unlike my lovely heterosexual brothers and sisters, I can’t choose to obey the law of chastity by getting married. I can’t work towards being married. So while in essence the law of chastity is the same as heterosexuals who never marry, in my case there isn’t even the possibility. I can only choose to obey it by being celibate.
I don’t know how to make that choice.


  1. (Gay) Mormong Guy never publishes any comments that deviate from his script. Don't take it personally. It's not meant to be a blog that fosters discussion or an exchange of ideas. Many of us think his blog is a fantasy. The comment policy reinforces this view.

    Best of luck to you on your journey...

  2. I think we've talked about it before, Alex... that word "overcome" is indeed a troublesome word.

    For some people it means "pray the gay away." For some it means, these attractions or "being gay" is evil and they must be removed.

    for others, (and this is the interpretation I've adopted)... overcoming means to welcome, not fight off, and then to rise above them. To me, overcoming same sex attraction means coming to peace with it, while realizing its not only a trial, but a gift, and choosing the Gospel of Jesus Christ in spite of it all. That's an interpretation that I can live with.

    At the same time, many believe "SSA" or "being gay" (depending on your definition) isn't something that should even be attempted to be "overcome".. and for them, thats okay too. I'm just illustrating how I've interpreted overcome, and how it works for me.

    Take care, amigo!

  3. MoHo Hawaii is right. Gay Mormon Guy is the most extreme example I've ever seen of someone straining to convince themselves that the LDS Church's teachings about homosexuality are right. Every post reads like a script from Music and the Spoken Word. I have sent in several comments myself and they've all been rejected because I deviated from his standard script. The guy really is living in a fantasy world and you should give what he says a commensurate level of credibility. Which is to say, "none."

  4. Uncounted number of believing Mormons have left the church because they just count be true to themselves and accept the churches positions on church economics (Kirkland), plural marriage, racial theology, women's rights, labor (pro right to work), and gay rights. These people have done all of us a service. Blind obedience weakens leadership, promotes authoritarian abuse. Don't really know how the Final Judgement will roll out, but I suspect these Mormons will get a merit badge for courage and a big thank you, if nothing else

  5. And as for (Gay) Mormon Guy, I stopped following his blog a fews after I came across it. But I am jealous of his readership ; )

  6. Actually, I don't think (Gay) Mormon Guy is for real. That is, I don't think the blog records the experiences of an actual person.

    There was a case a few years ago of a very faithful gay Mormon blog ( that was exposed as a hoax. The writer turned out to be a woman who had created an online alterego. The blog was deleted.

    I'm not saying (Gay) Mormon Guy is in this same category, but I will say that it reads as a fantasy. There are certain details that just don't add up. For example, in the post you reference, there is reference to the idea that GMG could get special affirmative-action preferences at work if he came out. No gay person would say that; it's a shibboleth of heterosexual social conservatives. That mistake is not exactly a smoking gun, but it and other details remind me a lot of the defunct Saving John Galt blog. I'd definitely take GMG with a grain of salt.

  7. I think he's an interesting persona nonetheless. I remember reading him at the beginning of this journey and feeling kind of ashamed, like gosh, I wish I was that good. If he is real, I feel so bad for him though. I kind of wonder sometimes. He makes a fascinating narrative which I think at the very least helps his readership realize that homosexuality isn't a choice (well until today's post which I only glanced at). It's something though,

  8. And LJ, I think the nuance of the word overcome is important indeed. I respect the way you look at it. But how do you think most gay/ssa people, or even just the general membership in the church view it? It's somewhere between "pray the gay away" and these feelings aren't your choice, but you should never give in to them. They are still usually stigmatized. In essence you are asked to deny or at least look with shame on part of your identity. This is a much longer, post length discussion, but it's not wrong to identify yourself as gay and be a member of the church! Elder Holland said in his latest talk on SGA not to primarily identify yourself as gay, but that doesn't mean you can't identify yourself as gay! I agree with him. I think coming out, you tend to overemphasize this part of your life and identity. But you know, I don't want to see myself as just being gay. And I don't want other people to only see that about me. There's so much more to me.

    But, I'm here to "preach" or witness that it's ok to be gay. And even to be gay (happy) about being gay.