Well, I'm back. I'm now living on my own, my ex has moved back home to Colorado, and life is to put it mildly, pretty different.
I'm starting to like it. I've been reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones. I'm getting more of my work done for school. It's good.
I am starting to feel at peace with being divorced. It's a hard thing to go through. I don't wish it on anyone. But as they say, it gets better.
I'm more and more at peace with being gay. I've come out to most of my siblings (there are 8) as well as to more and more friends.
The trickiest part for me right now is the church. When I talk with my family about the church,about my doubts, my fears, and concerns I usually end up frustrated. One brother told me that if I read the Book of Mormon everyday, I wouldn't struggle with my same-sex attraction. My cousin told me that I shouldn't believe that lie of Satan that I can't change. My Grandpa told me that God made me to be a husband and Father.
And yeah. It hurt. I should forgive them. They care about me. But I also need to tell them when they are wrong, when they've crossed the line. And I have been. But I haven't resolved things really. Not yet at least.
My Mom keeps pleading with me to go to Church. And maybe I should. I didn't magically change from one person to another when I decided to come out. I'm still pretty Mormon, even as I doubt and question. I believe that is part of maturing, part of having faith. They don't seem to understand.
On the other hand, I have tremendous respect for my brother and his wife, who really do understand. I also respect my ex, and her family. They have always treated me with great respect. You can be in the church, and not treat other people how my family is treating me. I can't blame the Mormon church for the way they've acted, when there are so many many great people in the church.
I probably don't have it that bad. There are plenty of people in worse situations with their family than I am.
But it's still hard.
I'm not bitter at the church. I just don't really know my place anymore. I don't know why I would choose to go to a singles ward, if, following the rules, I wouldn't be dating and getting married. I don't know why I would go to a family ward, to be constantly reminded of the family I can't have, at least if I'm living according to the rules of the church.