tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32591002643297759432023-11-16T03:20:48.664-08:00The Crazy MormonMy thoughts on growing up Mormon, coming out, getting married. and getting divorced.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-63163009895617659912019-12-08T20:19:00.001-08:002019-12-08T20:25:04.564-08:00Being Authentic-Revisiting this Blog After a Long BreakI'm resurrecting this blog because I realize I have more to say about coming out, growing up Mormon, and life after coming out. I'd like to start with a link to an article I was interviewed for a few years ago about living an authentic life. Kat McGowan from <i>Psychology Today </i>found my comment on an article written about reparative therpy (therapy that attempts to make people straight who are gay also called conversion therapy) about my experiences and called me to interview me. Reading it was a reminder to me how much energy I wasted seeking external validation at the expense of my own self. The article can be found here:<br />
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<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201301/living-lie">https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201301/living-lie</a><br />
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Although it manifests itself in different forms, I still find myself stuck too often trying to seek validation externally instead of being true to my own needs and desires. The ways I do this may not be as drastic as hiding in the closet to make others happy, but there are lots of ways I don't take care of myself in order to seek validation that I'm ok from someone else.<br />
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I've been reading a book called <i>The Velvet Rage </i>and in it Alan Downs talks about toxic shame and the behaviors we engage in to try to avoid feeling the pain of shame. His main point is that we'll do anything to avoid the feeling of shame, a shame put on us from growing up gay and feeling that we weren't ok. Sometimes we've spent so long trying to numb our shame we don't recognize we are doing it anymore. The key is to admit what we feel and to tolerate that feeling (and since it is a feeling, temporary) instead of always trying to avoid it.<br />
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I've started to study Buddhism and one of the main tenets is that pain is inevitable and we create additional suffering by trying to crave pleasure or avoid pain. Sitting with the feeling in meditation and then letting it go is tremendously powerful for me. Mindfulness, or being aware, is one of the ways we overcome shame or other things (like resentment) that hold us back. The first step though is to notice and then sit with the feeling.<br />
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I've come a long way but I have a long way to go. But my goal going forward is to engage with this process and share some of the things I've learned along the way. This is the first of hopefully many posts that talk about overcoming shame and trying to live more authentically.<br />
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<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-34824979622915805282016-09-26T15:11:00.003-07:002017-10-11T07:15:24.346-07:00Preventing Suicide in the Mormon LGBT Community: My StoryToday I'm going to talk about suicide. It's a difficult topic for me. I hope I can add my voice to the conversation about what works and what doesn't work when addressing youth suicides or suicidal ideation in the Mormon LGBT community.<br />
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Today I opened my Facebook to learn that another gay Mormon youth had committed suicide. While the reasons for suicide are complex and go beyond being either gay or Mormon, the LGBT youth in the LDS church are at a high risk for suicidal thoughts and attempts. While no one knows exactly how many suicides have occurred in our community, this <a href="http://rationalfaiths.com/the-lgbtq-mormon-crisis-responding-to-the-empirical-research-on-suicide/"><span style="color: blue;">article</span></a> is an excellent starting point for addressing the issue.<br />
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Nothing affects me quite like this. To know that someone out there was lonely enough to take their life. That someone out there did what I was contemplating doing.<br />
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I was asked recently what was different for me. Why if I was suicidal did I not take my life?<br />
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You should know that I've been close a few times. I've never attempted suicide. But I've made plans to kill myself and been close. Something inside me told me to reach out to friends. When they didn't answer, I ended up calling the suicide hotline (twice) to talk me down.<br />
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So I understand how it feels to be so desperate that you think about taking your life. To feel so alone that you don't know who to talk to or where to turn. To be so depressed that suicide seems like the only option.<br />
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When I was 17 I accepted for the first time that I was gay. I was a Boy Scout, a committed Mormon who had done nothing wrong. And yet I felt a tremendous guilt for being attracted to guys.I withdrew from everyone and became depressed. Suddenly I didn't know how I fit into God's plan of salvation. I was afraid if anyone knew I would be rejected. I felt so alone, like there was nowhere to go. I became suicidal and started to plan to end my life. Each time I thought about suicide I remembered the scripture from Alma about the same spirit going on from this world to the next. Alma 34:34<br />
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<span class="verse" style="background-position: 0px 0px; border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "palatino linotype" , "pahoran" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">34 </span><span style="background-color: #fefbbf; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "palatino linotype" , "pahoran" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2px;">Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful </span><span style="background-color: #fefbbf; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "palatino linotype" , "pahoran" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2px;">crisis</span><span style="background-color: #fefbbf; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "palatino linotype" , "pahoran" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2px;">, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth </span><span style="background-color: #fefbbf; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "palatino linotype" , "pahoran" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2px;">possess </span><span style="background-color: #fefbbf; color: #333333; font-family: "palatino" , "palatino linotype" , "pahoran" , "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25.2px;">your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.</span><br />
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That made it clear to me that I would be gay in the next life too. While not exactly comforting, Mormon doctrine, or my understanding of it at least, actually helped to prevent me from taking my life.<br />
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Still, I was very depressed. A lot was going on at this time. I was afraid of rejection from family, and from friends. I did end up coming out to a friend, and to teachers and the school counselor, especially since I had only applied to BYU and my parent's expected me to go there.<br />
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One day when I was really down, at the lowest point I'd ever been at, I remember praying. I prayed for help, for guidance. I remember hearing in my head the words "It's ok to be gay."<br />
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I don't "know" for certain where that came from now. But something, be it God or the universe helped me and gave me the impression that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was ok just how I was.<br />
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What this shows me is that there are tools we learn, as Mormons and as people, that can help us to overcome challenges. Some of these challenges are beyond the scope or understanding of most people. But I know the pain and suffering of feeling like there is no other option but to end your life.<br />
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There were a lot of things that happened at the time that furthered my isolation and depression, some of which were at hands of LDS bishops and therapists. My bishop told me that being gay could be cured, that it had to do with a problematic relationship with parents. Therapists told me the atonement would cure me of my homosexuality. Reading statements from church leaders condemning homosexuality (especially <i>The Miracle of Forgiveness</i>) made things worse.<br />
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What did help was prayer, help from teachers and the school counselor, and realizing that not everything the church said was doctrine. I had to know for myself what was correct and true and not simply take things at face value. I had studied things out for myself, from both sides, and realized that being gay was ok.<br />
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I won't say that everything from thereon out was easy. You can read more about my experience in other blog posts but to sum it up, I got scared without support from my Mormon community and ended up back in the closet for 10 years. I found a fleeting acceptance through Evergreen International and Mormon therapists who told me it was just a phase and that I should try to develop feelings for the opposite sex. I ended up getting married (to a woman) only to fight against my feelings for 3 years before finally accepting that I was gay. Even though I knew I was "Same-sex attracted" and told her as much, we thought God would help us make it work. I eventually remembered those feelings I had as a 17 year old and found the strength to accept myself as a gay man and come out. Part of this process was getting divorced. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but one of the best decisions in the long run.<br />
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I struggled even after we separated with the decision. I had started to come out to family but questions lingered. Would my family ever accept me? Who could be there for me in the same way my wife had been? Should I go back to her? Would I stay a Mormon? Would I lose my testimony if I acted on my attractions? I was stuck. I was stuck between being Mormon, being married, and being gay. While some people make this work, I couldn't. I called a suicide hotline and luckily they helped me realize I had options. I didn't have to do or be anything I didn't want to be. I should just let myself explore.<br />
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That was harder than I thought. I opened a profile on Chemistry.com and started to talk to guys online. I went on one date and then went months without another. I cancelled on a guy just hours before our date and never heard from him again because I was so scared. I managed to go on a second date with the guy from months prior but he ended up being a jerk. Things were not going as planned. Shortly after, a few weeks before my divorce was final, I thought again about suicide. Had I made the right decision? How would I resolve my desire to be with a man with my Mormon faith? Again, I felt stuck. I thought for days of ways to end my life.<br />
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I ended up in the hospital when I told a friend and later the doctors and therapists that I was planning to end my life. They asked if I had a plan, and I did. I'd thought through how I would not hurt anyone else, but stop being a burden to those around me and stop the suffering. Luckily, I found help. My friends rallied around me and visited me there. My parents came to visit me. My siblings called me. As much help as everyone was, it was an internal struggle for acceptance that I needed to overcome. It was in the hospital that I realized my desire to please others would literally lead to my death. I needed to do what was right for me, and if I could do that I could survive. Leaving the hospital after a week was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but I had friends around me who were there to listen. I am so blessed that I reached out to someone to tell them what was going on, and they came through in a big way. I started to recover my strength. I then went to the first Circling the Wagons conference and met both gay Mormons/postmormons and allies. I came out on Facebook and continued down the path of self-acceptance.<br />
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Where I ended up with my Mormon faith is the subject of a long and future post. It's something I've struggled to express and reconcile even now. But things have, as they say, gotten better. I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy for two years and even though it didn't work out, I learned a lot and I grew from it. Now I'm on the cusp of earning my doctorate. Life is good and people out there really can be wonderful if you surround yourself with the right people.<br />
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I know how lonely it can be to not feel like your community or even your own family will accept you. Don't give up. I never thought my parents would come around, but now even my parents accept me for who I am. One thing I didn't focus on enough is the people who were always there for me. In addition to self-acceptance and prayer, leaning on the people who really cared about me and loved and accepted me as is got me through my darkest times. If you reach out, you can find those people who will love you and help you and guide you. Trust the people who are kind to you and ignore the others. Listen to the still small voice within that tells you you are ok just as you are.</div>
Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-51357681585843125502015-11-22T23:44:00.002-08:002015-11-22T23:56:12.042-08:00Response to the Change to the LDS Church's Handbook of InstructionsI've tried to know what to post for the last two weeks. My reactions to the church's new policy have varied from grief to anger. This surprisingly harsh policy has caused me to reflect on my relation to the Mormon church in a way that few things have.<br />
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Let me state this simply: A policy that calls same-sex married couples apostates is not ok. Even less so one that keeps their children from being blessed, baptized, or receiving other rites and ordinances in the LDS church. <br />
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The question is why?<br />
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I know a lot has been said about this. My point is to simply add my voice, to talk from my position and my experiences. <br />
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This policy affects me in a few ways directly. First, if I do end up getting married I will officially be an apostate. Since I haven't yet resigned from the Mormon church I may face church discipline for that decision. Second, my future (and at this point hypothetical) children can no longer get even a baby blessing. If I had wanted to share in the community aspect of Mormonism, that is being denied not only to me but my family.<br />
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And isn't that the point of the policy? To make it so same-sex marriage, though legally recognized, is seen as something that's not ok? Something worse than promiscuous sex. That having children in such a union is not only condemned in the eyes of the church but by their family, friends, and loved ones?<br />
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None of the apologetics for the policy, from what I've read-and let me say I can only take so much- have addressed this point. Why? Because they condemn homosexuality as something unnatural, sinful.<br />
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And so the idea that it's just like polygamy, or a Muslim wanting to join the church, or wanting to protect the children from conflicting teachings at home and church rings hollow. This article <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/11/challenge-being-gay-married-mormon/416979/">The Deepening LGBT Divide in the Mormon Faith - The Atlantic</a> addresses how it isn't like polygamy at all. And if it hasn't been said already, the historical and cultural context of a Muslim joining the church is in fact different from an LGBTQ member who either wants to remain a member or allow their children to be.<br />
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No, what is at stake here is what Sam Wolfe's excellent piece <a href="http://www.sltrib.com/opinion/3193004-155/op-ed-dear-mormon-leaders-know-the">Op-ed: Dear Mormon leaders: Know the truth about homosexuality | The Salt Lake Tribune</a> addressed.<br />
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Is it ok to be gay?<br />
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The answer is an unequivocal yes. It's ok to be different from the majority. It's ok to feel attracted to someone of the same-sex. No ifs, ands or buts. And it's ok to marry them if that's what you want, and it's ok not to get married too if that's how you feel.<br />
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What's not ok is discrimination, whether it's codified in a policy or reflected in the attitudes of parents, family, friends towards God's children.<br />
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I don't worry about asking the church to change anymore. I do hope they will, that they will see the error of their ways and make this right. But it's one of many things I see as problematic with the LDS church, although for now it's the only one I want to address outright at this point.<br />
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What I do worry about is reaching out with love and compassion to anyone who has gone through sadness, pain, misery, or even suicidal thoughts because they feel rejection or betrayal. I have felt all of these things. I will mourn with you wherever you are in your journey of faith or lack thereof. And I will listen.<br />
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If you disagree with me, if you feel this policy to be right, I ask only one thing: stop and listen. Listen to the people this is affecting.<br />
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And then if you want to know more, read. Study this out. Read what the American Psychological Association says about sexual orientation.That having a different sexual orientation than the majority is natural. And it's about more than sex. Science may not have all the answers but it should at the very least inform your opinion.<br />
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And then if it helps, if you believe in this, pray. God told me when I was a scared teenager contemplating taking my own life that it was ok to be gay, something that contradicted the messages I received growing up and even from my own church. (As a side note, never read the Miracle of Forgiveness. The lack of understanding about homosexuality in that book is abhorrent). I believe in prayer, and I believe in peace, and love, and respect. And I believe good people will start to overcome their biases and prejudices and see truth.<br />
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<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-44832115013854721922014-01-12T16:08:00.003-08:002014-10-06T02:43:27.511-07:00What's wrong with the LDS Church's statement on same-sex marriage?Hello again Blogosphere. I've had some time off to work on school and personal issues. I am excited to make a new post for the new year.<br />
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Plus, same-sex marriage in Utah? How can I keep away?<br />
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The LDS Church came out with a statement in response to the recent events. The most relevant portion, I think is this:<br />
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<i> " <span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: georgia; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">As we face this and other issues of our time, we encourage all to bear in mind our Heavenly Father’s purposes in creating the earth and providing for our mortal birth and experience here as His children. “God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (</span><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/gen/1.27-28?lang=eng#26" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #a50101; cursor: pointer; font-family: georgia; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Genesis 1:27–28</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: georgia; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">). “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (</span><a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/gen/2.24#23" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #a50101; cursor: pointer; font-family: georgia; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Genesis 2:24</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: georgia; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">). Marriage between a man and a woman was instituted by God and is central to His plan for His children and for the well-being of society. Strong families, guided by a loving mother and father, serve as the fundamental institution for nurturing children, instilling faith, and transmitting to future generations the moral strengths and values that are important to civilization and crucial to eternal salvation.</span></i><br />
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There are immediately problems, however, with using these scriptures as justification for the church's position on gay marriage. If you are against gay marriage because we are commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth," what about those who can't have children? Are they suddenly unable to keep one of God's commandments? Is their union any less valid? Any Mormon would say, of course not. There's no sin in that. In fact, marriage between two people who can't have children is a good thing for many other reasons.<br />
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So how then is it any different for gay couples? Shouldn't they have the same right to marriage as everyone else who can or can't have children? Not to mention the fact that gay couples can and do have children, whether through adoption, surrogacy, or other means.<br />
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The second scripture is even more problematic. It's a command for a man to "cleave unto his wife, and none else." In order to keep this commandment, everyone must marry and that marriage should be between a man and a woman? So a gay Man is supposed to marry a woman? This contradicts the church's position that marriage should not be used as a therapeutic step for homosexuality. And, from personal experience, I can tell you that marriage with a woman does not lead to long term happiness. Am I breaking God's commandments by being unable to fulfill them? What happened to God not giving us a commandment that we are unable to keep?<br />
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It seems much more likely to me, that a loving God, would ask us to adapt the commandments to individual circumstances, such as sexual orientation. What this means for individuals will differ.<br />
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The problem is assuming that we are all the same. We aren't. There is diversity, and that's ok. It's ok that humans have different sexual orientations. For those of you who don't understand what that is, I recommend this <a href="http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/sexual-orientation.aspx">link. </a> And it's ok that some of us have green eyes, and some have blue eyes, that we have different colors of skin. It's not ok to say that one way of being is higher or better than another. Unfortunately, people who are gay or bisexual have frequently been thought of as lesser. It's the same as racism. And it isn't ok. It's time for the LDS Church to embrace difference instead of running from it. That means confronting past and present homophobia. And it means that rather than making a contradictory statement that on the one hand asks us to all live according to one set of commandments while proscribing special commandments (such as celibacy) for gay members, the LDS Church should make policies and statements that reflect that diversity.<br />
<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-17720715711237456502013-03-26T23:29:00.002-07:002013-03-27T13:13:30.171-07:00Same-sex marriageI wasn't going to post about marriage. First of all I can't tell you all what it means to see all of those equal signs on facebook. It's awesome to know that I have that kind of support.<br />
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To my cousin and sister-in-law and all the people who "click" like on the post "disagreement is not hate. High time we realise honouring man-woman marriage is not bigoted." I agree it isn't hateful to think that marriage should be between a man and a woman. However, many of the people who hold this view do so for bigoted reasons.<br />
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Disagreeing with my views is one thing. Depriving me of federal benefits, legal protections, visitation rights, property/inheritance rights, custody rights is quite another. You may believe that I should receive some of these rights. You may think that I only deserve these rights if I'm married.<br />
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We can only disagree if we have a conversation. We live in a civil society, and thinking that I civilly shouldn't be married is quite different from believing that I shouldn't be married in a religious institution. Or specifically, your institution, since there are many churches who do want to recognize same-sex marriages.<br />
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If you want me to "respect" your rights to worship (which I do), please respect mine. I'm not getting married anytime soon, but I do have a partner, whom I love, and who I would like to be ok if anything were to happen to me. You may not agree with me or my choices. I'm not asking you too.<br />
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I'm just asking you to respect my civil rights.<br />
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The beautiful thing is, if things go the right way, it doesn't matter at all what you think. Justice will be done.<br />
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And if not, we will continue to fight until it is.<br />
<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-13795313906674630832012-12-22T10:24:00.000-08:002013-01-15T21:40:59.339-08:00Gays and Mormons.comLast week's release of the new website, <a href="http://mormonsandgays.org/">mormonsandgays.org</a>, was met with a variety of reactions, ranging from positive spin to a visceral attack on the church and the people still loyal to it. These reactions are telling of the anxiety and interest in homosexuality in the church.<br />
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In the virtual realm of the web, there are various competing positions, some complementary, some diametrically opposed, as to how one is to be "Mormon and gay." There are lots of Mormon and gay.coms, facebook groups, blogs, all representing their various takes on the seemingly impossible and insolvable problem. Speaking from my own position, I can say that I first reacted emotionally to an official church website. "The church is finally welcoming gays!" "It's accepting that I'm gay."</div>
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For various months of my life, I stood immobilized by a triangle relationship of being Mormon, gay, and married. There was no resolution to all three; something had to give. After unsuccessfully trying to erase being gay through therapy, prayer, fasting, Evergreen, and marriage (and failing), I realized I had to renegotiate this conflict on new terms; I had to accept that I was gay and that wasn't going to change. </div>
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The new website offers, I think, a more acceptable position. Accepting (finally) scientific consensus on the immutability of homosexuality, the church instead simply maintains a moral position that behavior and not being is wrong. This is progress. It sets a new baseline from which to talk about homosexuality in the church. It prevents destructive behavior like SOCE (sexual orientation conversion efforts aka reparative therapy) and discourages MOM's (Mixed-Orientation Marriages). Quick caveat, I'm not saying that all these marriages are doomed, I'm just saying it's a risky undertaking given the high divorce rate of such couples (and my own experience).</div>
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But though the position the website takes is more acceptable, it is ultimately untenable. How can you separate doing and being in a culture where you are constantly taught you are what you do ("By their fruits ye shall know them")? How can you be gay but not do "gay things"? For my grandpa, I wasn't gay if I didn't "act" on it. But I was gay before any action on my part. That message is you can be born gay, and even if you can't change, you're still suppose to fit and and try to be as straight as possible. Or at least not "act" gay. </div>
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The problem with the website, which became clear to me after my initial excitement faded, is that the church's acceptance is conditional. You can only be part of the club if you come in on our terms, which are celibacy and a commitment to upholding our heterocentric view of the universe.</div>
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I for one refuse to be partially accepted for who I am. And now that I've had some time and I'm in a relationship, I know that much of the information I was fed about promiscuity, AIDS, etc. was distorted or just plain wrong. From this position, it's hard to look at the website as much progress. The central problem remains, that gays (and other LGBTQ's ) are relegated to a sub category, where we aren't accepted for who we are but for who we can theoretically be; straight members just like everyone else in the next life.<br />
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I know that this position will be appealing to many gay Mormons. I know at some point I believed this, and even desired it with all my heart. I wanted to be like everyone else, to be accepted by my family. But you can't compromise yourself to be what other people want you to be. At some point, you have to get over the fact that you've been shamed into submission to a heteronormative universe, that worse, is extremely patriarchal, and openly and proudly so.<br />
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Mormon culture makes it hard to be gay. It's hard enough to be gay even if you aren't Mormon, though the doctrinal and cultural forces that pressure you to fit a norm make difference that much more difficult. As more and more people open up about their experiences it becomes clearer and clearer the anguish people have gone through trying to come to terms being Mormon and gay. A lot of us end up becoming healthy well-adjusted individuals. But others turn to excessive drinking, risky sexual behaviors, and dangerous drug use. I want to be clear that this isn't because they're gay. They're trying to cope with the shame they've been made to feel for being different, and rather than facing their demons, try to escape that pain and shame through these behaviors.<br />
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In other words, we need support. Many of us need the church, but the church doesn't offer us what we need. I had to come to this realization the hard way. The church offers you some of what you need. And the gay community may not provide you all you need. A partner, or a wife, will never provide you all you need. The only way to get what you need is by taking care of yourself, and being willing to go and look places you've never been before to meet those needs. I think we all have a different path to do that, but looking for the church to change and provide what we need through a new website is naive.<br />
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The church needs to accept, or at the least stop demonizing, those who are openly gay and in relationships of love. That's the only true progress that can be had. And we can help by not demonizing other gay people. If we would reach out to each other, change could happen. But the shame placed upon us by a heteronormative society makes it all that much harder. And feeling like we don't belong in the gay community cuts us off from the support we could receive there. I think that's what's behind all the gay and mormon.coms, finding a space in between.<br />
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One might ask what any gay person is doing in such an environment, a criticism popular among those who are "outside" the (LDS) church but still ever commenting on issues pertaining to it. But one can hardly blame them for the criticism or their participation in the debate. I think their continued participation in various Mormon Stories or Moho or other web communities shows that participation in Mormondom goes far beyond doctrine, practice, or ideology. It's family, it's community, it's politics (especially in Utah). For most people, there is no way to fully get away from it. Thus, while some might tell us to shut up and leave well enough alone, we simply can't. The church affects our lives, and even a conscious decision to resign from the church is evidence of the influence being Mormon had and has over our lives.<br />
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And yet their criticism sometimes fails to take into account the complex environment that LGBIT people have in the church, and the intricacies of a personal faith journey to reconcile spiritual witnesses, personal convictions, and family and community realities. For some people, there is no outside the church, and rather than encouraging a one size fits all solution, would better serve by talking about their own experiences and helping people see the various options and paths rather than prescribing a path for other people, (a habit, likely left over from service or experience in the church, where an awful lot of that happens). Though some may object to being included, "big tent" Mormonism has a place and includes many of us on the fringe who never really know where our place is inside or outside the church. And in this vulnerable, border position, in which many of us find ourselves, let's make sure we make room for other who don't agree with everything we say or do. After all, we're trying to get away from the exclusivity and narrow mindedness that, unfortunately, sometimes exists within the communities we come from.<br />
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(Edited and Re-posted 1-15-2013)<br />
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Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-46587965685804486702012-12-02T15:11:00.001-08:002013-02-27T00:33:41.417-08:00Moving (Forward)What a strange journey it's been these last two years. I went from being married, separated, then divorced, to being in a committed relationship, and am now living with my boyfriend.<br />
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For some reason, during the holidays, things get more intense emotionally for me. It brings up a lot of issues that tend to stay tucked away, like my relationship with church, my family, and my ex-wife. It's been hard for me not to look back to a time where I thought I had all the answers, where I thought I knew my plan.<br />
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I lived for a time naively, never really questioning the assumptions I'd made that therapy and Evergreen had helped me diminish my same-sex attraction. But then reality hit me. I couldn't hide the fact that I was gay from myself or my wife anymore. We both knew it, but it was something we didn't want to acknowledge. I've talked a lot about that in this blog, and I'd like to revisit that more sometime with time and perspective. But for now I want to talk about moving forward.</div>
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After months of feeling like I was doing nothing to make things better, I finally decided to get out to church today. Not an LDS church. The First Congregational Church. It felt really good, to walk into a place where I'm welcome, affirmed, and celebrated as a human being. To me, that's what Jesus taught, the true message of the gospel, to love and welcome and affirm each other. </div>
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For months I've felt without a home or a center. I think after the pain I've been through, I'm hesitant to recreate that sense of family and home, after trying so hard to do so, only to find out that it was an illusion. Sometimes I've been trying to go it alone. This is somewhat selfish of me, as there are many around me with open welcoming arms ready to embrace me as I am. I think it's good to develop resilience and independence. But we're social animals, and we need community, support, love, and family.I'm grateful for the people who provide that for me. I need to embrace them, and thank them, and show them how much I appreciate that.<br />
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Now I'm in a relationship, and trying to move forward with my life. At times though, I let the past, anniversaries, holidays, all of that, get in the way. Like Lot's wife, I look back, towards "Sodom and Gomorrah", a place where I was unwilling to move in spite of the problems I knew were there, unable or unwilling to acknowledge my doubts and questions about my faith and sexuality because they would force me to do something about them. I have. I've acted. I've left that place and I can't look back now. I don't think I'll be turned into a pillar of salt or anything, but looking back hurts me. It prevents me from living in the present, from going forward; it's a dark depressing place, and not the place for someone given the chances that I have to be happy with a wonderful man and with a wonderful life. </div>
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As I look to my past, growing up Mormon was in many ways a beautiful thing. My service, my mission, learning Spanish, going to BYU, teaching at the MTC, have all been things that have profoundly influenced my life. But the LDS church is not presently a welcoming place for me or other LGBT people. I appreciate the efforts to make it so. I feel welcome in this in between space that people are trying to create to make church welcoming for all and make our communities more welcoming. But there will always be struggle and conflict and disagreement on this issue. I think that's healthy, because there are a lot of things for the church and it's members to come to terms with on this question. But I don't know that it's a place I can call home anymore.<br />
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My family home is still not a place where I am totally welcome and accepted. It's getting better, and I don't mean to discredit the effort or the progress that's been made. But there's a reason I didn't go home for Thanksgiving, and Christmas may be difficult. I can't make everyone ok with me being in a relationship, and I can't force my partner to go into an environment where we aren't totally welcome and accepted for who we are. There are people in my family who welcome me, and us, with loving arms. But some people won't change, and likely will not change for years to come. </div>
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And so it's time to create a new home. When the Mormon pioneers felt persecuted, they had to leave their homes in Kirtland, Missouri, and Nauvoo. They fought to create home wherever they were, despite the persecutions they endured for their beliefs and lifestyle. But ultimately, none of those places were safe. They preferred to go West, and create a new home rather than continue to fight and die in their old one.<br />
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For a long time, I've been in exile, and I've longed for home. Part of the reason holidays are hard is that longing. I've been unwilling to find a new home. But after wandering in the desert, it's time to find a new home. That doesn't mean I abandon everyone or everything that made those places home, but it does mean being independent and free to go to new places where I haven't allowed myself to go before. It's time to create home rather than waiting for a home to be created for me. And together with my partner, that's exactly what I need to do. I can't stay stuck in the past forever. It's time to move forward.</div>
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Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-36423056296853755652012-10-11T09:01:00.003-07:002013-02-27T00:34:36.646-08:00Coming Out DayOne year ago I came out on facebook. It was October 11, national coming out day. I came to a point in my life where I simply could no longer live my life by what other people expected of me.<br />
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So I came out. To everyone. A lot of people were extremely supportive.Others were less than excited that I was sharing something so "personal" on facebook.
But the important thing isn't what those people think. And so many people were happy to be part of something I was sharing with them about myself.<br />
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Coming out isn't about them. It's about you. It's about you being ok with being gay. It's about you being ok with being different.<br />
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So much of my life has revolved around that decision. Not the one to post a few words on facebook, but to live my life by what I know to be true instead of letting other people define me.<br />
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I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We started living together last month. I'm so happy, it's hard to put in words.<br />
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But what I can say is that none of this would have been possible if I let my fears get the best of me. It's not easy, standing up to my family and (though not very many fall in this category) friends who are against my "lifestyle." It hasn't been easy to talk to my parents and have them get used to it.<br />
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But things do get better. My Mom invited us to Thanksgiving and Christmas, at home. I know that part of her doesn't accept things, but she's grown so much, and come to love me for who I am rather than who she thought I was or wants me to be. I hope she'll come to love him too, in her way. That might be a longer process. But it's really not possible to have a relationship with my parents that somehow excludes this important part of my life.<br />
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I know there is a lot of hurt in our community, in the gay community (and yes, it exists), in the Mormon community, and especially in the Gay Mormon community. But beneath all that pain, I think most of us love each other, and are trying to sort the rest out. My Mom is the last person I expected to come around to me being gay. But she even apologized for her ignorance, and for what happened.
Change has to happen. Things can't continue how they've been. Luckily, things are working out for the best for me. I know some aren't so lucky.
But if you aren't so lucky, don't give up. There are so many of us that would love to put our arms around you and help you up, figure out what to do. And if we are going to be serious about preventing suicide, or the even more prevalent depression in our community, then we've got to do that.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-85259141833520979612012-09-12T14:21:00.001-07:002012-09-12T14:21:21.793-07:00Evergreen, Sept. 11th, and SB 1172<br />
Eleven years ago, following the events of September 11th, I attended the Evergreen International Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah with my Dad. As the Evergreen conference approaches again, I feel it appropriate to say that I condemn efforts to change sexual orientation, especially for youth who are in a vulnerable position.<br />
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A few weeks ago, I volunteered to speak with Equality California to lend my support to the law, SB 1172, that would make sexual orientation conversion therapy illegal. Here is a video of that interview:<br />
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All of us have to come to terms with being gay, or gay and Mormon, or gay, Mormon, and married in our own way. There's isn't one way to "be gay," there is no one size fits all "homosexual lifestyle" and no one is forced to do anything they are uncomfortable with. But whatever choices we make, trying to pretend like our attractions, desires, feelings, will go away, or that they are wrong, is unhealthy, harmful, and dangerous. Everybody deserves a chance to make choices, have agency, rather than be coerced or manipulated into therapy or a path that they wouldn't have chosen had they had that freedom.<br />
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<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-60066466075627252222012-08-02T00:36:00.000-07:002013-02-27T00:37:50.901-08:00Chickens and WeedsSo a lot has happened since I last posted. Our president has come out in support of gay marriage. DOMA is on the rocks after a lot of court challenges. Also a gay married man has compared himself to a unicorn and a chicken sandwich has been vilified as the ultimate symbol of bigotry-(or sign of free speech, depending on who you talk to).<br />
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While I have reservations about Chick-fil-a association with the Family Research Council and Exodus, the fact that a bigoted man made some off the cuff remarks about gay people is no shocker to me. Especially since he made them to an audience he thought he could safely say it to, the Baptist Press. </div>
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But somehow these controversies have overshadowed the significant legal and cultural progress towards equality. So a CEO made an idiot of himself and simultaneously became a beacon for religious freedom. </div>
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Another important matter, which has become an obsession both for the Moho community and the nation at large (or at least it feels that way on facebook) is one Mr. Josh Weed.</div>
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While undoubtedly his relationship with his wife is unique and special, the circumstances are not. How many of us have read blogs of married gay men or now divorced gay men? How many of us have been married gay men at one point?</div>
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He loves his wife. He's already incredibly aware that he's gay. He's a therapist and seems to understand what sexual orientation is. And for this, I commend him. He is educating people who otherwise wouldn't listen that homosexuality exists, that there is something called sexual orientation, and that it matters. In many ways I see him as an ally, though I'm sure the personal attacks against him and his wife make him more reticent to come to terms with "the gay community."</div>
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I do however, have a beef (no pun intended) with Mr. Weed's presentation and characterization of homosexuality. He continually refers to in his posts to a "homosexual lifestyle." I know what he means. He means men having intimate sexual relations with other men, or women with women (although it seems he's mostly referring to men). While he may intend no harm, his words connote a of dismissal of that lifestyle as somehow inferior.<br />
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Being gay isn't a lifestyle. There are lot's of "heterosexual lifestyles" and it's the same with "homosexual" or "bisexual" or "asexual" ones as well. My lifestyle really isn't that different from other people. Ok, being a grad student and spending hours reading Latin American literature for a career could be called an "alternative lifestyle" but the fact that I'm gay isn't that different. The fact that I have a boyfriend, that we go to movies, go out to eat, talk to each other on the phone, and yes, sleep in the same bed, does not really qualify as anything extraordinary. It isn't all that "queer" or strange to do any of those things. </div>
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In his 6000+ word post, he says that every choice he makes is couched in loss. And this is what makes me saddest about Josh's post. He doesn't seem to see the validity or possibility of any other choice. Not truly. I'm fine if he, and his wife, choose to be married, have kids, be open about their relationship. But I'm not ok with the way his example is being used to push gay men into marriage or the way it is being used to somehow invalidate these relationships of love that exist between two people, who happen to be of the same gender. There is so much to be gained by this choice. And that's what he doesn't seem to get about my "homosexual lifestyle."</div>
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Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-18791441477747941642012-07-12T12:26:00.003-07:002012-07-20T13:28:24.697-07:00Video Blog<br />
A few months ago, I made a series of videos to talk about my experiences growing up in the church being gay, Evergreen, getting married, and getting divorced. Bear with me, as this is my first attempt to do something like this (you'll notice for example that I get cut off by my ipod at the end of each video). There are four total, and you can access the rest of them if you click <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/ashafsable/feed?feature=context-cha"><i><span style="color: blue;">here.</span></i></a><br />
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<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-18045879215281638872012-04-18T00:11:00.000-07:002012-04-18T00:29:57.362-07:00My so-called (ex-gay) therapy<br />
I need to finish reading for my seminars. I am a graduate student after all.<br />
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Instead, all I can think about is the article I read <a href="http://prospect.org/article/my-so-called-ex-gay-life">here</a> on "My So-Called Ex-gay Life."<br />
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I lived this.<br />
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My Dad sat me down, and told me that he'd done some research, and that same-sex attraction was probably a result of a number of things including his relationship with me. It was by Dr. Nicolosi, a pioneer in the theory of reparative therapy. I read the book, and it told me that my sexual attractions were a fragmentation of my desire for wholeness and masculinity. I was focusing on one characteristic of another person, and because of that was sexualizing it. If I could have a fulfilling non-sexual relationship with a same sex partner, my feelings would diminish.<br />
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I told my Bishop a few months before that I was gay. I wanted to go to BYU, but didn't know if I should because I didn't think they would accept me if I were gay. It was 2001.<br />
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As I drove across town to meet with a therapist, I wondered what he'd see. He asked me about my parents. About my Mom. And then about my Dad. He then told me he was dyslexic, and that he overcame that challenge to get a license as a therapist. He told me I was likely gay because of my relationship with my Dad.<br />
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My Dad was the reason? That upset me. My Dad had been bishop, and while at times he had been absent, I felt horrible thinking that because of how I was raised I was gay. When I went back to see the Bishop, I told him I didn't want to see the therapist anymore. He said I could see another therapist if I wanted, and he'd still pay for it.<br />
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So I drove again across town, in a different direction, to start therapy. What did I think about me being gay? I told her I didn't know why I was gay. I had read that sometimes people had repressed memories of abuse, and maybe that was why. Maybe I remembered something. She told me that maybe that was it. We did hypnotherapy.<br />
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Maybe I just wanted attention or affection from men. Other cultures were much more tolerant of same-sex affection, and maybe I just was reflecting my need for that. It didn't mean that I was gay.<br />
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At the same time, I came out to my guidance counselor and two of my teachers. One of them gave me a book about a Christian minister who got married even though he thought he was gay, and how he had to fantasize about guys to have sex, and how he ended up getting divorced. I didn't want that to be me.<br />
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One night while I was thinking about this, my Mom knocked on my door and asked what I was doing. It was 2 AM, and I was up late at the computer, reading about homosexuality. I knew I was gay. I didn't know what to say. The next day I went into their room, they sat me down, and I told them I was gay.<br />
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A few months later, I had switched therapists. After reading Nicolosi's book, I decided to try it. Maybe I could fix my broken Dad syndrome or my deficiencies and become straight. Or maybe it was a problem with my Mom? Maybe I could become less gay. Maybe it was possible. In therapy, I read some articles about homosexuality being from a triangle relationship with my parents. If I could someone cross over some bridge that I had missed as a child and get close to my Dad, I could undo my unwanted same-sex attraction. When my Dad offerend to take me to Evergreen, I said yes. I read their website, and he said he knew someone who used the program.<br />
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We went in September of 2001. We had to drive because it was just after Sep. 11 and the planes had been grounded. When I got to the conference in the Joseph Smith Memorial building, I was intimidated. I was meeting a lot of gay Mormons. I wondered what they were like. I listened to the panels attently, hearing testimonials about the horrors of the gay lifestlye. Endless hookups, infidelities, diseases. It sounded awful.<br />
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My Dad bought me a few books, including the workbook for men. I hardly cracked it open at first. What was the root of my attractions? I didn't know. Was I molested? Having a problem in my same-sex relationship? Broken from faulty parenting?<br />
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Finally, something told me that I needed to leave home. I went to BYU-Idaho, books hidden carefully so no one would see, and began to analyze and try to get to the bottom of my same-sex attractions. What caused them? Could the atonement heal me?<br />
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I read about sexual abuse, and healing from it. I couldn't remember, but it seemed like maybe it had happened. I came out to a friend. I told him I struggled with same-sex attraction. I went to religion classes and spent long hours in the chapel on campus, or in the gardens, thinking, praying, trying to understand how God could help me overcome my same-sex attraction. It was lonely, but luckily I had some good dormmates. That should help me get over my deficiency in male relationships, right? I spent as much time as I could with everyone. I bonded. I wanted to be like the rest of the guys.<br />
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I went on a mission, like all my friends did. I told my leaders that I struggled with same-sex attraction, but they told me that because I hadn't acted on it (I had held a guy's hand, but that was it) I could go. I was elated. I got to the MTC. More same-sex relationships, healthy, non-sexual ones, as I'd been told I should seek from Evergreen and Nicolosi, that would help heal my brokenness.<br />
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I was doing fine. But then it got to me. What if I felt something for my companions? I felt attractions. Was I a sinner? Was I evil? I was trying wasn't I. I wrote a letter to the First Presidency. I remember learning that it was advised against, but I wanted assurance that I was ok to be a missionary. They wrote my back and told me that "any tendencies can be overcome through the atonement of Christ. After an interview with my branch president, I was clear to go on a mission.<br />
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I met my Mission President. He seemed great. I was excited. I was learning Spanish. I was a missionary. I prayed, I worked hard. I felt guilty breaking rules. I started "slipping up" thinking about guys, and I told my mission president. I ordered books on compulsive sexual behavior. I met a therapist in the mission field who told me that "Jesus may have struggled with the same temptation." I was in awe. I'm sure my companion was freaked out by the situation, even though he didn't know what was going on.<br />
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I eventually told another missionary I was gay. I was in the gay district of Dallas, and I was worried that it would influence me. I say guys holding hands down the street. I even ran into a gay pride parade. I prayed to God to get me out of there. I knew that there were gay members of the church, and I wanted to reach out to them, but didn't know how.<br />
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I got my wish. I got sent to Nacogdoches Texas, and I tried to be as strictly obedient as I could. I prayed every night that God would someday let me get married. I prayed in my closet for a long time, pouring my heart out to God to take this away. I wanted to be whole. If Jesus could heal the sick, he could heal me.<br />
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I came home from my mission. I transferred to BYU in Provo. I had the chance to start a new life, to get married. And I did.<br />
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I went out every weekend with girls, trying to show God that I was trying. Why wasn't it working? Maybe I just hadn't found the right girl. I went back to Evergreen, and I interrogated the people there about getting married. Could they have a honeymoon? One of them told me a story about how nervous he was, but that he prayed and that everything worked fine.<br />
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As I was leaving, I met a girl at the conference and asked for her number. Her brother was gay, and she thought it would be good for me to try to date a girl. I was excited to have my first kiss, and first girlfriend. But it didn't feel right somehow. And I knew she wanted to get married. I didn't.<br />
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I dated a few other girls, but never seriously. It never got to the girlfriend stage or I broke it off right after it did.<br />
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And then I met her, the girl I married. It was the best date I'd ever been on. We were so cute, someone bought us a fried ice-cream for free. I took her on a second date on the back of my scooter. I spent every day with her. She asked why we weren't dating yet. I said, well we should, shouldn't we? I felt like this could be it. This could be the one.<br />
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If you've read the blog you'll know the rest of that story. I got married, I got divorced. I came out to my family. I thought that I had everything that I wanted. I was married. My goal, my dream, was coming true.<br />
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But I ask myself, a year later, so what happened?<br />
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There's no real easy answer. But one night, around Christmas of 2010, I had a dream about a guy. It wasn't the first time, but it wasn't something that happened all that often.I knew that wasn't that big of a deal , but I was worried. So I started looking on the internet for resources for married gay men. I started posting, chatting, I read Bill Bradshaw's work. I found blogs, I read stories. It was the anti-ex gay cure I needed. I read testimonials, and realized I'd been lied to. That wasn't science. Those stories of a cure often ended in failure, divorce. And I was scared.<br />
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And I realized, that I was still gay. My reparative therapy had never worked.<br />
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So what was I supposed to do about it? I didn't want to go to church that day. I didn't know what to feel. I felt so disillusioned by everything. I felt so lost. Who was I? Why was I doing this to our marriage? Why was I doubting my faith?<br />
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I wrote her a letter. I didn't know what to say. I was freaked out. I told her I was still gay. I told her I needed therapy, I'd been really depressed. She agreed, even though we were worried what they would say. I was scared they'd tell me I should accept myself as gay. I cried. And cried. And cried. I came out to a few friends at school. They were blown away. Wasn't I Mormon? And married? My wife asked me if I wanted a divorce. At first I said no.<br />
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And then I told her I realized I didn't feel for her what she felt for me. She was silent. An hour went by. And then she cried. I rarely saw her cry. I rarely saw her this upset, and it tore me up. A few weeks later, I told her that I thought we should get divorced. The next day I told her I wasn't ready for that. That I needed more time. But she was. It was over. She left a few weeks later. I didn't know what to do.I was so lost. I thought about suicide. No one would accept me<br />
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Except that they did. No, my bishops and my parents didn't accept my decision or the fact that I was gay. But my brothers and most of my friends did. Even my wife did, as much as she could.<br />
<br />
Holding onto the hope that I could change held me back. I was fine being in the church, I was fine getting married, I was fine doing everything until I realized, I couldn't change. I needed to live with that. And it was hard. Really hard to give up that dream. To let that part of myself die. The false self.<br />
<br />
But what's happened since has been amazing. I came out on National Coming out day on Facebook. I started blogging. I started meeting people. And talking. I read a book called <i>The Velvet Rage</i>. It talks about overcoming the shame of being a gay man in a straight man's world. It moved me. I realized I had been shamed my whole life for being different. I'd been shamed even by therapists and church and family, people who I went to for help, just because I was different.<br />
<br />
Things started falling into place. I met someone. I fell in love.I'm so happy. I have felt so much pain for so long, that to have a relationship with someone who cares, that I can give myself to, is amazing. I care about my ex-wife so much. But as hard as I tried I could not be the person that she needed me to be. And she couldn't be the person I needed. We had to accept that and move on. It was hard. It was painful, and agonizing, and lonely sometimes.<br />
<br />
But I made it. And I think she will too. At least I hope so.<br />
<br />
I unequivocally stand against reparative therapy. It has done untold harm to not just me but to my family. But there is hope. It doesn't break you, it just makes you feel you are broken. You have to reject that. To survive. And you have to reject all the other people who tell you you are less than, or broken. You have to know that you were always whole. And that God loves you for who you are. I once prayed in agony, and felt stronger than I ever have that it was ok that I was gay. I believe Him. And I trust Him. And I know that it does get better. But it only gets better if you reach out and get the right help. Going to the wrong sources only makes it worse.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-16805980047846900342012-03-08T21:14:00.008-08:002012-04-03T18:48:09.801-07:00Dear Mom,<br />
I'm in a relationship now. I've been hesitant to tell you this because of the way I almost certainly know you'll react to this news. But it would be impossible for me to have a meaningful relationship with you and not let you know about an important part of my life.<br />
<br />
I love you very much. But unless you are willing to accept that I'm gay and treat me and my boyfriend with the respect we deserve I will not come home for Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday. I'm going to give you space to deal with your emotions. But I will not allow your intolerace to affect my happiness. I will not tolerate any attempt to hurt my relationship or guilt me into any action I am uncomfortable with.<br />
<br />
You are my Mom and you mean the world to me. But I can't be false with you or anyone. I can't pretend that this doesn't exist and I won't allow you to pretend that I don't exist or that my relationship with another human being exists. It is an important part of me and my life, and unless you can respect that, I don't know how we are going to have a meaningful relationship.<br />
<br />
I am going to honor you know by not listening to ideas or prejudices that I know to be wrong and evil. I hope some day you will pray to God and ask him to tell you the truth so that you can have your eyes opened. I know you love me and will always love me, and I will love you. But I will not accept any attempt to hurt or damage my growing relationship and potential family. If you want to be a part of it, I will gladly accept you. <br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Alex<br />
<br />
Note: This isn't the letter I actually sent. I agreed to let my brother tell my Mom that I'm dating someone. After a few days, she wrote me and told me she didn't know what to say and that how she felt was not quite resolved. Here is my response:<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>I'm happier than I've ever been. I wish that you would just be happy for me that my needs are being met and that I feel fulfilled in a relationship of trust, love, and commitment with another person. How you feel and what you think won't change or affect that, but I've been hesitant to talk to you because I was worried how you'd react. I hope that you will treat both him and me with respect. I want you to know that I will not tolerate any disrespect towards him, and I will hang up the phone or end the conversation (or ignore a message/letter/e-mail) if it turns to that. </i><br />
<br />
<br />
Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where your son dates someone, a genuinely good person, and you feel happy for them? I know that if I'm ever a father I will. I'm going to love my son or daughter and I'm going to feel happy for them when things bring them joy and happiness. I'm going to want to share in them. And I'm going to love them, and tell them how happy I am for them, and how proud I am to have them as my child. I'm going to want to be there if they get married, and I'm going to want to share in their life, their joys, their sorrows, their pains. It shouldn't matter what gender or sexual orientation your children are or what gender or sexual orientation who they love are.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-71186757049996191702012-02-01T22:27:00.004-08:002012-03-17T11:38:22.219-07:00One year of bloggingOne year ago today I sat down at my laptop, my cat crawling over the keyboard, in a trailer home that was owned by my wife's family. While she was sleeping I had been reading blogs by Gay Mormons, describing their experiences. For years I had no idea that there existed a world out there where people shared intimate experiences and difficulties, pains, and trials. That world is constantly changing. Some come, some go, some blogs fade into oblivion. Mine has at times in fits of rage been taken down. I've thought about deleting it, ignoring it, leaving it.<br /><br />But I haven't. <br /><br />I feel like I have more to say about this world of gay, bi, and otherwise curious bloggers and readers. If nothing else, I feel the need to express how I feel, explore my thoughts, put them down on the page (this time a virtual web page) and come back. It all seems so jumbled and emotional at first, but it starts to make sense over time.<br /><br />The point is that I'm in a very different place than I was a year ago. Literally, I'm sitting at my friend's house, her cats crawling over the keyboard, in an apartment in Riverside. But mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (thank you Bruno)<br />But emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, things are different. <br /><br />I'm not going to say that my life is easy. But I'm not the same afraid, closeted guy I was then. I'm not advocating coming out as some sort of magic panacea, but it's done me a lot of good. All that fear that people will find out I'm gay is gone. I still experience moments where I wonder, should I disclose that I'm gay? But it's not the same kind of crap I put up with for years where I was morbidly afraid of people finding out my secret. <br /><br /> Dating kind of sucks. I've basically only got my feet wet, and I can tell you that it's going to be a long, painful process. There are some additional complications to gay dating that I won't get into in this post, but to sum it up, guys are still jerks sometimes, whether gay or straight. <br /><br /> The thing I want to say though is that it gets better. A platitude, I know, but a powerful one. I was once very much depressed, and even suicidal, because I couldn't see how I could possibly live between two things tearing me apart, one my faith, and the other, my sense of self. Knowing I was different was difficult. Realizing that no amount of praying, fasting, tithe paying, obedience, blessings, etc. was going to change my sexual orientation was a very important step for me to take in my life. And one with, in some ways, devastating consequences.<br /><br />I knew when I got married that i was doing it for love. I know that when I went into the temple and knelt on that altar, I was not being false or pretending. But there was so much I didn't know. I had no idea what a marriage really looked like, what sex was, what a relationship was. I was naive. And part of what lead me there in the first place, was believing on some level that God had lessened my "unwanted same-sex attraction." Well he didn't. And no amount of denying or pretending or repressing could get rid of that. Part of me wants to say, so what? You still loved her. It's not all that different for any monogamous relationship where you give up the desire to be with other people, even very attractive ones, so that you can build a life with another person. That's part of what love, commitment and all that is about. I'm still fairly old-fashioned as far as all that goes. But another part of me says, yeah, but you never had the chance to live any other way. To know what holding a man would be like, coming home and having him put his arms around you, and say I love you. <br /><br />It's not about the sex. I promise. Being gay goes down to a much deeper, core level. If it was just about sex, I wouldn't really bother telling people. But because gay has a much deeper implication than my private behavior in the bedroom, I come out to people. Not to throw it in people's faces, or make them squirm, but to say, I'm here. I'm different. It's ok. I'd like to be treated the same and not have to pretend I'm exactly like you, heterosexual and into girls the same way you are. Being gay in a straight man's world is hard sometimes, and the cost of not fitting in is pretty high, depending on what circles you're in. Or at least it was. We're becoming a more progressive, tolerant world, but we're not there yet. And in the LDS church, the same rigid hierarchy and stereotypes exist. To be a good priesthood holder I must be married, have kids, do my duty. I must be straight or at least act like it. <br /><br /> If that were all it was, it'd be pretty hard. But being in the church as a gay man goes far beyond that. If you do venture out of your shell, you are told that to act on your desires would be evil, that you should try to live a celibate life or possibly get married. You are effectively made to feel like you are a second-class citizen with a disability that God has afflicted you with to test and try you. People are way past the "this is a choice" rhetoric (well, for the most part) and it's time we got past it too. It takes more than arguing that I was born this way to get accepted. After all, African-Americans, or any other minority are born that way, and are still discriminated against all the time. <br /><br /> At some point, you have to ask yourself if is worth it to put up with all of that. I don't know. In many ways, I see my relationship with the church as an abusive relationship where I've been told to put my desires and even my needs below the needs of my family or church. I've been broken down psychologically to believe I was damaged goods in need of repair, that because I wasn't manly enough I had become gay. I've been pushed into marriage only to end in divorce, hurting not only myself, but my now ex-wife, who was my best friend in the world and is still very dear to me. I don't know if I can just forget all that crap. I do long for a community, and I think that's partly why I blog. I still go to church and I feel something there, a connection. But it's hard to not worry that the same thing won't happen again. How long will it take before my bishop sits me down and wonders why I'm not dating, or what happened in my divorce? How many times do I have to hear from the pulpit that Prop 8 was Christian service doing the Lord's will, or that gays are destroying the family, or that I can't go to heaven without being married. Should I run from it? <br /> <br />No. I'm done running. <br /><br /> I'm not exactly sure where this journey will take me. But I'm a very different man from the person I was a year ago. And that's a very good thing. I've made mistakes, but I've learned from them. And I'm going forward, confident, self-assured, but humbled by the daunting task of being a gay Mormon in a world that doesn't understand either of those things very well at all.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-45934011683823570142012-01-08T21:49:00.001-08:002012-01-14T15:03:32.020-08:00I'm a Mormon, I thinkThe last year of my life was crazy, difficult, life-changing, and a lot of words I'd rather not put on this blog. I can't say that I'm sorry it's over, but I've learned a lot and I've re-examined my life in a serious way.<br /> <br /> So where am I now? Better. I'm better able to react to my family, to the difficulties of life, to the stress of being in a graduate study while getting divorced/coming out/going through serious challenges to my faith. It's not as if I've processed any of those things completely, but the intensity, fear, and panic have subsided to give place to calm, reassurance, patience, and faith that things will indeed get better.<br /><br /> But they aren't easy. And whenever I think life is suddenly perfect, something happens to set things askew again. I wonder if that is by divine design or simply part of just existing and being in the world. But I digress.<br /> <br />Getting back to the point, I ask myself, where am I now?<br /><br />One of the most pressing issues on my mind right now is, what is my future relationship with the LDS (Mormon) church? <br /><br />From an identity, cultural aspect, I can say I'm a Mormon with confidence. My ancestors crossed the plains, came over sea to go to Utah. My family is Mormon. I get being Mormon. <br /><br />From a belief point of view, I have a harder time. I sometimes apply words like "heretic" "unorthodox" "crazy" and "queer," to myself. (and yes queer is supposed to have a double meaning.) But I don't know how well my beliefs match up to any sort of belief system or dogma. I'm pretty open minded. Some of my beliefs match up nicely. Others (including marriage equality) do not. <br /><br />From a behavior point of view, I'm not so Mormon. It isn't as if I went off the deep end or anything (although drinking coffee is pretty crazy man, I was wired for like 2 hours!). But joking aside, I don't feel the same sort of obligation as I did before to follow the rules. That isn't to say the code of conduct isn't admirable, and even healthy. I still feel some guilt from time to time, but I guess the way I view my behavior is different. Maybe this goes more with belief, but my behavior and the way I view my behavior is a lot different. Part of this is to give myself the freedom to explore relationships. And part of it is a natural process of questioning faith, that I think is healthy. I fear that many people, when they come across things that challenge their faith, abandon the structure as well. But some of those things are really healthy safeguards to health, happiness, and mental sanity. I think it's best to strike a balance, not getting overwhelmed with guilt which I no longer view as wrong, but also not just saying it's alright to do whatever now that I'm not as orthodox.<br /><br />But moving beyond the "Do not" or "Thou shalt not" category of Mormonism, there are a lot of things I don't do that Mormons often do. I don't go to church, I don't pay tithing, I don't do home teaching, I don't go to Ward socials, I don't read scriptures. I do pray. I do meditate and study. I do try to treat others kindly. I do reflect on Christ's teachings. I even believe that most if not all of what "the Brethren" say is for the good of humanity. There are some disagreements I may have, but I can completely support husbands treating their wives with respect, love, honor. I can support honesty, and integrity. I can get behind service and charity. <br /><br />In many ways, I wish I could be a full fledged Mormon. I was comfortable in those shoes. And even if I was a bit non-traditional, it wasn't until the "cognitive dissonance" (see <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance">here</a>) of feeling inadequate, left out of the plan of salvation, discriminated against, hated, ridiculed (none to my face, just people saying things unaware) that I really started to question my participation at church. It makes me wonder if having an at church coming out would help. I don't know. I don't know what if anything to say to my new bishop (apparently the ward split on me while I was "away"). But I wonder if I could go to church, participate in the things I like, ignore the things I don't. I'm a lot less delicate now that I've had some time to grieve the loss of my marriage, and grow into my own skin. I guess the question is what if any value will I derive from it? What harm, if any, could it do, does it do? I think if it's not helpful, there really isn't a reason to go, other than to help those that are struggling, questioning, believing they are alone. They aren't. <br /><br />One issue is if other people will accept me as Mormon. I'm not as worried about this as I used to be. A more important issue is how I view myself. What does it mean to me to be Mormon? How am I a Mormon? Why am I a Mormon?<br /><br />Another is my formal standing with the LDS church. I don't often go to church, but do I want to? Partly yes. What do I say to my bishops, EQP's, etc. It seems the "I'm gay" works pretty well for keeping them at bay. It's sort of like, "oh well we get why he doesn't go to church?" Isn't that kind of unfortunate? I mean it's sort of nice to be left alone, but sort of diconcerting as well. As if they don't really see where I would fit either, or they would rather just let it go than question why things are the way they are. I would like to be accepted by them. And maybe this is something I should give up. Because it doesn't matter anymore whether they accept me. Still, no one likes to feel ostracized and rejected for who they are. There is a strong tendency and pressure to conformity, and being a gay liberal Mormon makes it difficult to fit in. I think trying to fit in can be extremely harmful in this case, especially given the harm it's done to me trying to do so in the past.<br /><br />I believe though that the church is not the enemy. You could argue the institution is in some sort of vague sense, but even then, I have to be fair and say they do as much good as harm, at least from my perspective. Once I let my anger subside a bit, I've come to recognize this more and more. And no person is at fault really for the problems. No one in the day to day church is at fault for historical inaccuracies, prejudice, racism, homophobia, patriarchy, sexism, heterosexism. These are cultural forces in all society, that unfortunately are uniquely concentrated within a Mormon context, and even sometimes backed up by "doctrine" (although this point is debatable. One could say that any statement supporting these things is not doctrinal. After all Christ was an example of love and compassion, none of these things). I have to say, living in California instead of Utah, racism, homophobia, and even patriarchy are not as widely practiced or accepted. The liberal Mormons I come across are great people, and people I could unite in heart and soul with. I just don't know how exactly to band them together with them in a meaningful way without the conservative orthodoxy getting their knickers in a bunch. I suppose blogging, Mormon Stories, et. al. is a beginning step. And I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me to feel part of the tribe again instead of cast out, for something largely if not completely outside of my control.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-70867067232523345452011-11-15T01:05:00.000-08:002012-01-01T03:14:00.237-08:00Circling the WagonsI had the opportunity and privilege to go to the "Circling the Wagons" conference put on by Mormon Stories. I flew in from California on Friday night and made it to the session amid the snow the next day. The conference was by far better than I even imagined.<br /><br /> Ten years before, just after turning 18, I went to the Evergreen International Conference with my Dad, around the time of September 11th. We had to drive because there were no flights available. This was my first experience being a "Gay Mormon" and meeting other "strugglers." Evergreen has it's place. I feel like many that it is unfair to talk totally negatively of the experience of for the first time in your life having a space to talk, to vent, to share with others. <br /><br />The problem is the misinformation there. See at this conference "experts" like A. Dean Byrd told me that homosexuality was in fact a mental illness, that if not curable, was treatable by therapeutic means. Research had been done that showed that homosexuality was most likely caused by several factors, but possibly by an absent father, an overbearing mother. He and other panelists waxed on and on, peddling their wares about how they could change us, help us "diminish our unwanted feelings of same-sex attraction", help us to get married heterosexually, etc.<br /><br />What a contrast, to step into Salt Lake, ten years later, in the early snow of Autumn, to the First Baptist Church, and meet my true brothers and sisters, straight, gay, bisexual, transgendered, queer, SSA, whatever they preferred to identify as, and simply be with them, in the open, talking openly and freely about our feelings, our worries, our pains, was incredible. We talked about the real pain that we had felt being gay and Mormon, seeking to bridge understanding between allies and LGBT members. In reality it isn't an us and them thing. We were all there together questioning, thinking what can we do, right now, to make our lives and the lives of those around us better.<br /><br /><br /> Carol Lynn Pearson's gave a talk about the hero's journey, how we as gay members of the church or just gay people in general had been called to a journey, refused the call, been initiated or forced to adventure, and then to take home what we said. For those unfamiliar with Joseph Campbell's work that was the source for the talk, think of it as being Luke Skywalker, on the desert in Tatooine, unaware that an adventure was to be had. Lucas followed Campbell's model and created Star Wars. We as gay men and women are like Luke Skywalker, thrust out onto an adventure we didn't choose but that we have to face all the same.<br /><br />As Lee Beckstead put it, you all prayed and fasted to overcome being gay. Let them pray and fast to cure their Homophobia. Homophobia is curable. Homosexuality is not. People are often too afraid to learn the truth about homosexuality, deal with their own inadequacy or their own fear of difference, their homophobia (fear of gay people: let's call it what it is).<br /><br />The other talks and panels were helpful as well. Lee Beckstead's talk was about bridging and navigating conflict with our communities and with our families, and this was an important theme and one that carried into the panel discussion. As Carol Lynn Pearson said, the truth is that people should not have to choose loving their son or daughter or the church, that this needs to end and stop immediately. <br /><br />I was inspired. The musical numbers, the visiting bishop's testimony, the testimony's/testimonials at the end. There was an amazing spirit of love, tolerance, and true Christian worship there in a Baptist church in Salt Lake. And that's something I can be proud of when I say I'm Mormon. And it's something that can lead me to say I'm proud that I'm a gay man. I'm grateful that I have so many wonderful brothers and sisters who love and support me in being who I am. For not having to hang my head or be ashamed for existing, or loving or being attracted to people who happen to be of the same gender as me. It was....wonderful.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-41826588696697510712011-11-03T16:12:00.001-07:002012-01-01T03:15:34.417-08:00Reparative/Conversion Therapy<iframe width="480" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Qf5dqzcy3bc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />I watched this video and it made me cry. It was available on a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/31/11-conversion-therapy-methods-curing-homosexuality_n_1068103.html?ref=mostpopular#s444159&title=Electrocution">link</a> from the Huffington Post. <br /><br />This case is extreme. I doubt very few parents would do this to their children simply because they are gay. I doubt very many therapists would do this to their client to cure them. But in the 1970s and apparently in some rare cases today, these techniques are used to "cure" individuals.<br /><br /> This is the heritage of NARTH, Evergreen, and other groups. The beginning of reparative therapy is Electroshock techniques, torture, and violence. Evergreen and NARTH et. al. want to forget the history of their craft, to change and convert sexual orientation. The history of violence against people because they don't fit the mold. This is the reason the APA took homosexuality out of the DSM-IV, not because of the political pressure as A. Dean Byrd and others claim. Homosexuality is a variation of normal. Deviancy, crime against nature, this is the rhetoric used to attempt to force bodies and psyches into conformity with a norm. But it doesn't work. And even if it did work, if we could find a cure to homosexuality, it would be unethical to force or coerce children, or anyone, into a therapeutic program they didn't want.<br /><br />No one listened to me. I told the therapists when I was 17 I was gay, I wanted to be with a man, but not one of the LDS therapists my bishop sent me to and paid for listened to me. But at the time, unsure of what to do, unsure of how to handle telling my parents, I continued. I eventually told my parents, they took over paying for therapy, and I continued to suffer being told over and over I wasn't gay, I was going through a phase. <br /><br />I found Evergreen. I thought I'd found an answer. But I found instead empty promises, testimonials, and confusion.<br /><br />It's unethical to lie to people to promise a cure. Notice that everything that Evergreen does is anecdotal. No reputable journal will support reparative therapy. Why? Because there is some sort of liberal bias that wants to show that homosexuality is normal? <br /><br />Hardly. I suppose there is a bias, a bias that LGBT people are normal and not freaks or deviants. But that's a bias that I can get behind. I suspect however that if the techniques were effective, there would be a much different debate around the issue. But they don't work. This is complicated, but Lee Beckstead's research (see ldsresources.info, google or look up his articles otherwise) shows that it is usually harmful. <br /><br /> Since many people operate if not totally objectively, then according to reason, scientific evidence, psychology, the world at large, not some oligarchical liberal conspiracy as Byrd and others claim, is responsible for helping people accept homosexuality as a variant of normal.<br /><br />And to Evergreen's anecdotal evidence of change, I offer my own counter evidence. Case histories are a valid means for establishing social work/therapeutic techniques. But there are thousands of case histories of LGB individuals in therapy because of religious bashing, trying to pray the gay away, trying to undergo a psychic transformation. I tried it. It hurt me emotionally. It hurt my faith, my relationship with my family, the relationship with my now ex-wife, my relationship with friends. It hurts to be told over and over again that something is wrong or broken with you, to pour your soul out before God to heal you make you whole. But I was never broken. I was just me. I was just different, not deviant, evil, wrong. It isn't my fault that I'm gay. It isn't a choice. It isn't a whim. It isn't something I just woke up one day and said, you know what, I'd like to ruin my parent's dreams and my own of who I want to be and what I want. I'd really like to screw up my life now. I'd like to according to what I believe condemns myself to damnation, suffering, spirit prison, an eternity less than exaltation. <br /><br />But that isn't true. Neither does it fit LDS doctrine nor any conception of a loving God. I'm healing. I'm not broken. I'm hurt because of the way I've been treated. But I will overcome. I'm just grateful to have others to talk with, others to share the burden with, and a loving God to pray to to help me overcome years of emotional abuse simply because of who I am.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-57118617626870411092011-10-28T17:36:00.000-07:002012-01-01T03:21:07.488-08:00It got worseOn October 11, 2011 I came out as gay on facebook. It was National Coming Out Day This was my <a href="http://www.facebook.com/alex.shafer2">message.</a> <br /><br />Dear Family and Friends, <br />I’m gay. Surprise. Some of you already know. Some of you aren’t surprised. But many of you are probably confused. I know a lot of you won’t understand this, and I wish I had the time to sit down one on one with you and explain this and teach you about many of misconceptions that you’ve grown up with about homosexuality. Trust me, I know a lot about this. I’m divorced now and I’m starting a new life. And I hope you’ll be part of it, supporting me and accepting what I’ve come to accept as an important part of me. I hope you can appreciate how difficult this journey has been, but also how exciting it is to share this with you now.<br />Alex<br /><br /><br />The public response to my coming out was incredibly positive. Friends I hadn't talked to in years either messaged me or wrote on my wall to talk about how proud they were of me and happy for me. And my friends, my brother, my cousins, so many people publicly congratulated me. I felt elated.<br /><br />I still turn to that every time I get down or discouraged. I couldn't have predicted how much that would help me to know that so many people I love about care about me, and love me, and support me publicly.<br /><br />But there's an unfortunate aspect to the story too. There are people who didn't say anything, like most of my siblings, or some of my aunts and cousins. They are still too afraid to talk to me. And my Grandparents were upset that I'd do such a bold thing. This is a private thing. Alex isn't that gay. He was married after all. What will we say to people? All of these are things they haven't had the courage to say to me directly, but behind closed doors and whispers.<br /><br />Then there's my Mom. I went home to visit the week after, another bold thing, and one that I partially regret. I went to my High School reunion, met up with my best friend growing up, and played rock music and had a great time. Until the next day, when everything came crashing down.<br /><br />It started simple enough. I slept in through church. I ate dinner with my family, I started playing the piano, and my Mom and I started talking.<br /><br /> "Make sure you don't tell your little brother about you know what."<br /> "It's on facebook Mom. He probably already knows." <br /><br />My mother had asked me to not tell my brothers and sisters. She asked why I disobeyed her. I'm 28. I respected her wishes for a while, but at this point I feel the need to be open and honest with my family about my life and who I am. My Mom and I proceeded out side to continue talking and things continued their downward spiral.<br /><br />She wanted to protect my brother's innocence. I told him at 11 he probably knew what gay is, and knew a lot more about sex than she suspects. I explained that I just wanted it to be normal so that we could move past it, and quick treating it like it was some big secret, and shaming me into silence. She asked how I could expect her to think it was normal. Did I want to bring a boyfriend over and cuddle? That would never happen. I said, I wasn't talking about that, just some basic respect. We talked about the facebook post and about how she thought that was private. I agreed that facebook wasn't the ideal format, possibly email or individual calls, but it suited my needs coming out and telling people very well. <br /><br />"I understand that going to church is hard for you because you are gay, but why are you throwing your soul away?" <br /><br />I didn't know what to say. I was upset. I was shocked that my Mom would say this to me.<br /><br />Should I have been? I came out to her when I was 17 and she told me I was going to die of AIDS, displease her and Heavenly Father. Me, her son who has for his whole life tried to be the best kid possible, to be kind to others, treat them with love and respect, was now throwing his soul away simply because he's gay.<br /><br />It hurts. I try to empathize, but I can't wrap my head around this kind of prejudice. It doesn't matter that my whole life I've lived a decent and honest life, that I was honest with my wife when I started being honest with myself, that I did the best I could to make things the best for her. That I've been the oldest kid and taken care of my family. Suddenly the fact that I was gay was more important than all of that. <br /><br />I don't believe a just and loving God would do that, to anyone. Either he didn't and I'm not gay, or I am gay. But I am gay, homosexuality does exist, and so what does that mean? That leaves two options. Either there is no God, or God doesn't agree with what the church and my Mother believe about it. <br /><br />I choose to believe that there is a God. That he loves me. And he loves my Mom. But she's lost and confused. <br /><br />The irony of this situation is that my 10 year old brother already knew. He asked me what we talked about and he said he probably knew. He said, "Is it about you coming out of the closet?" "Yep. What did you think about that." "I didn't really care that much."<br /><br />There's hope. But unfortunately the actions and reactions of my Mom make it likely that there will still be some in the next generation who react negatively and with fear to news about gay family members or continue to act out of fear of gays, homophobia. But likely many of them will reject what they were taught, the bad example of their elders, and choose to love and to accept rather than to fear and to hate.<br /><br />I'm 28. I know better now than to depend on my parent's approval for my life, but their strong disapproval is difficult. I know that my Mom doesn't hate me, but the attitude she have scares me and it hurts. But the basic lack of respect and understanding and empathy is what's so difficult. I believe it's because of the Mormon Wall, the ideology of homophobia that is reinforced by culture, practice and doctrine. It's a thick wall to scale and climb. There is the wall of homophobia, and then there are the many Mormons who do not have that kind of attitude. But unfortunately, there are so many that do. I'm not the only one who's been treated like this, even by family. <br /><br />I'm grateful to each and every one of the people who wrote me and supported me, Mormon and otherwise, telling me they supported my honesty and candor, and my choices. I need to honor them. Honor the people who are too afraid to come out, because they have Moms like mine, or a brother like mine, or grandparents like mine. I have to remind myself, and them, that it does get better. That I have to focus on the positive. And take the negative one step at a time, little by little. I've come to accept that my Mother will probably never change, and my Grandparents certainly never will. It's their loss, people tell me. And it is. But it's a tragedy that I should have to lose at least a lot of my relationship with them over something outside of my control. But if that's the price I have to pay to be true to myself, true to what I believe, and true to whatever future family I may have, then it's one that I'll pay.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-81047679299599414912011-10-10T21:21:00.002-07:002012-03-17T11:37:42.509-07:00It gets betterI'm divorced. It was recently finalized. <br /><br /> As I think back over the last few months, it's been really rough on me. That's an understatement. Today I was reading over a letter I sent to a friend to tell him what I went through. Then I came across this video on youtube which brought me back to what had been going on for the last few months, and over the last few years.<iframe width="480" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/6gV9gUeFHIw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> <br /><br /> It brought me to tears. I played this song when I was 17, and then rediscovered it recently. It's a way for me to express the depression, the loneliness, self doubt, but also the sublime acceptance and peace I've felt. It's all there. It's like there are two Alex's, duking it out for survival. One was the married family man, or the boy who has tried his all life to become that man, and the other is the gay man I shut off, buried away, suppressed at all costs. They both "come out" from time to time. They are at war with each other. My hope is that someday I'll be a gay married family man and they'll be at peace.<br /><br /> But until then, I know it isn't going to be easy. I've questioned myself so many times, wondering if I made the right decision, trying to undo my decision by saying "no I'm not really gay, I'm bi." I've one week left the church and another gone crying back. I think that is surprisingly normal given the circumstances. At one point I took down my blog posts wondering what I'd been saying, wondering if this was alright. I think as a whole my blog shows this. But luckily I didn't delete them. I was angry, frustrated confused. I've felt all that and more as I've tried to make myself fit some box or category I don't fit.<br /><br /> It's been hell. At times it's been worse than that. But it's over. That chapter in my life is over and gone. I'm coming out. I'm divorced. I'm going forward. It isn't some magic switch or pill. It's been hard. But it gets better. I know, because it's better now. It's not perfect. It's not easy. I don't have life figured out. I don't think I ever will. But suddenly, I don't care what people think a much, I'm just me. and I'm ok with that. I know my family and some friends will disagree with me, and even pressure me to live a life I know I can't live anymore. But I won't. I know they care, but they are wrong.<br /><br /> And so now I step out into the unknown. I don't know what to feel or think religiously. I'm Mormon, but not in the same sense as I was before. I don't go to church. I don't plan on being "active" for a long time now. I don't know if they'll excommunicate me someday for my choices. But it doesn't matter. I have my faith, I am living what I believe to be true, and I'm willing to act on things I've always believed were true. And so I step into the dark, but also into the light, to see where this journey takes me.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-17378224926027206672011-09-20T00:30:00.000-07:002012-01-01T03:51:05.904-08:00Understanding Homophobia<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://jameswagner.com/mt_archives/homophobia.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 200px;" src="http://jameswagner.com/mt_archives/homophobia.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I want to talk about bigotry. And racism. And make plain something that isn't obvious. <br /> This is a difficult topic to broach. Whenever you talk about racism or homophobia people just want to ignore it or rationalize it or accuse people of being "over sensitive." No one wants to be a racist. And no one wants to be bigoted.<br /> When I tell them I think the church is bigoted, homophobic, prejudiced, whatever name you want to call it, they think of the worst expressions of that. And that's plainly there. I grew up in the Central Valley of California, and I heard plenty of that from my friends at church, or even from adults. I was there for the fundraising of Proposition 22 (the earlier incarnation of Prop 8) that happened in Stake Priesthood meetings. And the things said even over the pulpit were inconsistent with followers of Christ. When I moved to Utah, any semblance of civility was swept away as people bashed gays during Prop 8.<br /> I've had a bishop apologize to me because he said he would like to dedicate a fifth sunday to the topic, but was worried about the kinds of things people would say (as in discriminatory things) if the topic were brought up. I think he's right.<br /> And yet, I believe that the majority of bishops, and members of the church wouldn't react in such a negative way. That isn't the problem. The problem is actually in denying the existence of homosexuality. This is a much subtler form of homophobia. To ask members to deny the existence of a gay identity, to ask them to love the sinner but hate the sin, to talk about "so-called gays and lesbians" is derogatory.<br /> Why? Why should I want to take a phenomenon, a physical, sexual, romantic, emotional attraction to the same sex and label it, identify it? That's legitimizing it, making it normal, making it natural.<br /> Exactly. This is what the church wants to avoid. What members are taught to shun. For example, Elder Oaks in his Q&A with Elder Wickman told parents they shouldn't have to accept a visiting partner because that would grant legitimacy to such a union, and that's unfair to the parents.<br /> Is it? To recognize that your son or daughter is in love, even if you don't agree with "such a union", is that unfair? Is that wrong? It isn't. It's what I would hope anyone would do. <br /> <br /> One day after a particularly difficult discussion with my cousin about me being gay, I asked myself, do I exist? Of course I exist, and of course this part of my identity exists, but in their minds and in the minds of many in the church, my purpose is to procreate and be bonded to a woman. That is the purpose of life. And if I can't do that, I don't exist on the same level as my friends and family who can do that. That's frustrating.<br /> During this discussion my cousin told me, "You just think that you're gay. Try not to think about it so much. It's like an alcoholic thinking about alcohol" I'll admit, as will many of you, that I'm guilty of over thinking. Of worrying about it too much. Of stressing about what people would think if they knew. <br /> But that isn't what she meant. She was talking about if I could think I was straight, I would be able to be straight. "As a man thinketh.." Or something like that. But really? I was married three years. Many other people have been married longer than that. If I could think myself straight I would have.<br /> But you can't. I can't undo biology, or the complex interaction of physiological and psychological processes. It's unethical to try (and believe me, people try, and have all kinds of advice on how to do so). Imagine, taking a straight man, and making him gay by sexual experience, by getting at the root of his "opposite sex attraction", of telling him that God loves him even though he struggles with opposite sex attraction, that he just shouldn't think about it so much, that he should marry a man anyway if the right guy comes along.<br /> I think this would be fascinating. Fascinating, but unethical. There are standards for therapy and there are standards for experimentation. We also wouldn't show the man pictures of naked women and shock his genitals until he turned gay. Or lobotamize him (See The Mormon Proposition). Or alter his physical body or attempt to screw with his psyche to get him to change his sexual orientation. Or make lame analogies about dragons (see Jeffrey Robinson...or don't.)<br /> Guess what? When you sleep, when you dream, it's there. Subconsciously, no matter how hard you try, your need, your desire to be with a man is there. It's what you want. And it isn't wrong. It isn't sinful. It just is. And it's going to be there the rest of your life. <br /> One of the saddest things is that we gay men internalize the homophobia and repeat it. I'm guilty of this. For years I participated in it. And I apologize for it.I hope that I can overcome it fully. Because when you deny yourself what you want, you make sure others can't have it. Or when you indulge in self-loathing and shame because you are gay, that shows in the way you hate others. Sometimes this is subtle too. People can be compassionate and still be against "acting on same-sex attraction", but there's a subtle jealousy there, a subtle desire to have what they have, and it shows in how strongly they react against it. <br /> I believe in the gospel of peace and love. And homophobia in any form is inconsistent with this. So is racism. As time goes on, the parallels between the two become more and more obvious. I'd like to see this change in the church. I'd like to be part of it, but as they say it's important to put your own oxygen mask on first. Or in more Mormon terms, it's important to handle your own stewardship and provide for your own emotional health and that of your family first before helping others. I can and must forgive, but that isn't the same as tacitly accepting it over and over and over again. I can't intentionally subject myself to it like I have been. Not now that my eyes are open.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-49279150789883328342011-08-29T11:54:00.002-07:002012-03-17T11:41:23.314-07:00Therapy (Again)Today was my last appointment with the therapist I've been seeing for the last 7 months. <br /><br />I stepped into the university counseling center in January of this year. The first day they asked me to fill out a survey. I was asked to identify my sexual orientation on the survey and state my reasons for coming to counseling. I didn't quite know what to say. I checked the box that said "questioning." I put I was there because of my sexual orientation as well as for depression. It wasn't as if I didn't know that I was attracted to men. So I didn't know if "questioning" or gay or bi was the right word for a formerly somewhat out gay man who tried to change his sexual orientation and was currently married. <br /><br /> I went in because something in my life wasn't right. My wife and I had moved to California, and the last couple of months had been hard. I'd stay up late crying. I pulled out the evergreen manual wondering if there was something in there that could help me. I didn't seem to find resolution or answers. Finally in January I told my wife, "I'm gay. I know I told you before, but there's more to the story than when I first told you."<br /><br /> We hadn't talked about it since I told her right before we got engaged. I wrote a letter. I had her read it, and then we talked about it. I told her in that letter I'd realized this was something I couldn't change. I told her I thought about doing therapy, but I was worried that they would convince me I was gay, or convince me to do something against the teachings of the church. Even though we were worried about that, we decided it'd be best if I went to therapy anyway.<br /><br /> So as I sat telling my counselor about how I'd gone to evergreen and how I'd gone 10 years since then avoiding a "Gay lifestyle" she seemed surprised. I told her though that I'd realized recently that no, my efforts to diminish my same sex attraction hadn't worked. I was still as attracted to men as I ever was. In all that time, I wasn't exactly in denial about being same-sex attracted, but I just sort of put it in a unresolved box that said, someday God will take this away. Confronting the reality that it wasn't going to change was difficult for me. <br /><br /> The next time we met, she pulled out a paper with a scale on it and explained that sexuality is complex and not as simple as gay/straight. I told her how much I loved my wife, but how I wasn't sure what to do about the fact that I was sexually attracted to men. <br /><br /> I didn't know exactly what I felt for my wife. Was I gay? Could I be in love with a woman as a gay man? As the weeks went on, we explored this conflict that I felt between having sex with a woman but being attracted primarily to men. It didn't really make sense to me at first. I thought, is she telling me it doesn't matter that I'm attracted to guys and married? She said she understood why I would feel a conflict. But in my way of seeing the world, I just didn't get it at first. It took some time, and education to learn what sexual orientation was, what "being gay" meant. <br /><br /> Contrary to what I feared originally, never once did my therapist tell me what to do, or convince me to be gay, or live any lifestyle. But as I went into this space where I was free to talk about what I wanted, what I was feeling, I realized for myself I felt a lot of conflict about being married. I was somewhat uncomfortable saying I was gay or bi, but accepting that my same-sex attraction was natural was affirming. I became more comfortable saying I was gay over time, because it was a way to view myself as a whole rather than shoving my "same-sex attraction" into a box that read "wrong, evil." I'd been told my whole life that somehow I was deviant, or unnatural. But finally I wasn't. <br /><br />Therapists tend to affirm you as an individual.I don't believe this is wrong. She was with me and understanding and affirming when I talked about my conflict. But she never convinced me to label myself as gay, live a gay lifestlye, divorce my wife, or anything. My LDS therapists were for the most part unaffirming. They denied that I was gay, and lead me to do the same. They did steer me toward what they thought I should do. This is at least somewhat unethical. A therapist is supposed to do what the client wants. To try and push your client a certain direction because of your personal view point is, according to my understanding, against the standards of the profession.<br /><br /> As I came to an understanding that it was alright that I was gay, something I'd felt myself in prayer, then I had to figure out where to go from there. Being gay and married is not something I'd ever really come to terms with. I'd always lived believing that being gay was something wrong, and that my same-sex attraction was something that would someday be changed. The attractions and feelings were to be changed suppressed, ignored, prayed against, and I believed God would help me overcome them.<br /><br /> He didn't. He lead me to understand it isn't wrong to be attracted, sexually or otherwise, to men. It's not my fault that I am, it's not because I had gotten too close to my Mom, or because of abuse, or any reason other than it just was.<br /><br />Sometimes people ask, well, you seemed to deal with being Mormon and gay and married really well for a while didn't you? What changed? I can't say exactly. It's hard to explain. I think after enough years of having my interest piqued every time a gay themed story, or movie, or book, or even lesson in church came up, it gets to the point where you can't ignore it anymore. After enough years beating yourself up because you notice a good looking guy, or noticing how you don't check out the pretty girl down the hall, or in a movie, you can't help feeling different. You can't help but start to question your choices, and the path your life is on. <br /><br />So what do you do about it? I think a lot of things. I think we all have to make our own decisions and live with our choices. A healthy way seems to be to say, I'm attracted to men. Awesome. And then move on. Or saying, I'm attracted to this guy, we like each other, I'd like to see where this goes. An unhealthy way seems to be to try and root it out, beat yourself up for it, seek for causes and roots, and reasons that are invalid. It's pretty disappointing when after years and years of believing a lie, you confront the reality of that.<br /><br />I don't believe that everyone in a "Mixed orientation Marriage" should just get divorced. I don't even believe that everyone with "same-gender attraction" should resign themselves to celibacy to stay in the church or leaving the church to have a relationship with a same-sex partner. We're all different. Human relationships and human sexuality is so complex. At the same time, I don't believe that it's healthy to just ignore conflict, ignore the way it affects the sexual relationship and other aspects of a relationship. I think honesty before marriage and during marriage goes a long way. I don’t know if that’s enough, but it helps avoid a lot of heartbreak down the line. Being honest with yourself and others is one of the most important things. For me and my wife it wasn’t enough. I don’t have the answers for other people, I just know for myself what I’ve lived and been through.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-74471215485555414612011-08-21T14:58:00.000-07:002012-01-01T03:55:34.318-08:00A Collective Case of the WilliesThere's a far side comic, where a man after 20 years of cleaning the snake room in the zoo has "a collective case of the willies." It shows him shivering and freaking out, like it all just hit him at once how creepy it was. <br /><br /> If I find it online, I'll post it later. The point is, that's what happened to me with the church. I read about the experiences of others like Invictus Pilgrim who heard Boyd K. Packer's talk, how something finally snapped, something finally gave.<br /><br /> For me, it was when I watched the video of Steve Lee talking about his experience in the church. And finally I couldn't take it anymore. Something clicked. <br /><br /> I had a collective case of the willies, like it all just dawned on me what I'd been putting myself through. Finally it all hit me, all the insults, all the preaching at the pulpit or conversations about Prop 22 or Prop 8, all the conference talks I've read about same-gender attraction, the evergreen conference, the materials I read, reading the miracle of forgiveness.<br /><br /> And finally I realized, this is homophobia. This is heterosexism. This is predjudice and bigotry. <br /><br /> And I can't unsee it. I go to church and hear it preached every week in lessons, in talks. It isn't any one person's fault. I don't hate either the church or the people. This is my people, my family, my loved ones, my friends, the people I've given my life to serving and helping, my time, my talents, my money to. <br /><br /> And it saddens me in a way that I can't describe that I'm not welcome. Or that I'm only welcome conditionally. Is there room for me, is there a place in the kingdom for someone like me? There's supposed to be. For sinners, saints, for everyone. But I just don't see that. I see the way that even in the highest offices in the church homophobia is expressed and taught. <br /><br /> Does this mean the church isn't true? I don't know. It's similar to blacks and the priesthood. Racism was institutionalized by church practice and defended by church "Doctrine". Statements from Brigham Young onward excluded blacks from not just receiving the priesthood but exaltation. They were not allowed to marry in the temple, or receive their endowments. Inter-racial marriage was strongly discouraged and in fact, you couldn't be sealed if you were in an inter-racial marriage.<br /><br /> So if racism was part of the church, does it surprise you that homophobia is as well? By homophobia, I mean discrimination against lesbian, gays, bisexual, transgendered, questioning, asexual..anything outside of the norm. <br /><br /> I've tried for so long to just reconcile Mormonism and my sexual orientation. I've tried therapy, I've tried Evergreen, I've talked to countless bishops, I've tried prayer and fasting, I've tried blessings, I've tried strict obedience, I've tried marriage (which to be fair, was not taken as a therapeutic step). In one way or another, I've tried to fit myself in the heteronormative doctrine and culture of the church. <br /><br />But I can't. It's wrong. It's just not true. If I could do it, I would have done it by now! And so would so many other people. So many people suffering, depressed, suicidal, all in the name of trying to be part of the kingdom of God.<br /> <br />It's wrong. It's just wrong. And for some reason, people are blind to it.<br /><br />I don't know what I believe about the church anymore. I've been through so much with priesthood leaders, LDS therapists, and others in the church. And the argument could be made, yes, those were individuals, not the church. But individuals with the blessing, and the backing of church doctrine and practice. And individuals who misused their position of authority to tell me what I should do, to steer me down a path which has ultimately lead to depression, heartache, pain, sadness and loneliness. <br /><br /> In the end, I realize that I am responsible for choosing to listen to them. But I can see why I did. I was raised and to trust that bishops and other leaders spoke for God. <br /><br /> And while I think that leaders of the church have much to offer in guidance and counsel, perpetuating falsehoods and negative stereotypes is not something that they should be doing. If the church is true, then this is still wrong. This still has to be changed. This has to stop.<br /><br />Homophobia is not unique to the LDS church. This is a much bigger issue cultural issue. But given the dynamics of change in the church, and the ingrained cultural biases that are so heteronormative, (how many young men's and women's lessons are on temple marriage, or talks in general conference, or single's ward talks/ lessons for that matter?), I suspect it will take decades for change to happen. It's rooted in the institution, the doctrine, the practices, the culture, and the people. <br /><br />In the meantime, hopefully more members will be like my brother and his wife who do reach out with compassion and love and understanding and tell me they know it isn't right, they have a hard time with the churches stance and political activity as well. There is hope. It might just take the church wandering in the wilderness of intolerance for 40 years before we see the change. <br /><br />I can't say what I should do in the meantime. Do I come out to my ward? Do I limit my participation? Do I stop attending all together? Do I write a letter in protest resigning from the church? Do I look for a new community of faith? I can't get away from the fact that my family and many friends are Mormon, and there's no running from prejudice and homophobia that exists outside the church as well. But when it's at my church, my sanctuary, my place of refuge, why would I continue to go? Because I do feel some connection with God when I go? Because even though so much doesn't ring true there are other things that do? <br /><br />Gah. I don't know.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-66881282026757094302011-08-09T18:48:00.000-07:002011-08-26T06:34:55.793-07:00More QuestionsI watched this video recently. While I don't agree with everything he says, a lot of it rings true to me, it's what I've lived myself.
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<br />My whole life, I’ve been told that this is not how you were created to be. You are just defective. Wait til the resurrection to be fixed. The rhetoric of “unnatural” “abominable” has toned down since Kimball, but the doctrine remains the same; and the message over and over is you don’t fit. You don't have a place in the plan of salvation as we know it.
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<br />I look back at the history of homosexuality and the church. Why is it that as a church we justify any means, even psychologically damaging ones, to fit people into the doctrine, fit into the plan of salvation who don't fit? Why did BYU say we’re going to justify showing pictures of naked men, and then shocking your genitals until we cure this? Or alternatively, and more recently, we’re going to psychologically break you down and use unapproved therapeutic methods until we get to the root of the matter and fix it.
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<br />Why is it that myself and many other gay Mormons have felt depression, anxiety, guilt, suicidal even, over just existing? Just being. Just trying to live from one day to another.
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<br />Why is it that the person must change, and not the doctrine or the institution?Science suggests that sexual orientation is inborn and is unable to be changed. That it’s natural and normal genetic variation. What if they are right?
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<br />I think they are right. I didn't choose to be gay. I just am.
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<br />And while the church does acknowledge this possibility, to a degree, their response is well, live the best you can with this challenge, this struggle, this burden, this defect, and someday, in the next life, God will make it right.
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<br />I'm not defective, broken, less of a man, less of anything because I'm gay. It's part of who I am. God does love all his children. And he loves them as they are.
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<br /> And while I know this, it's difficult to week after week, day after day go to church and hear in one form or another the opposite.
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<br />Some may say, if you feel that way, why don't you just leave? And others say, you can do this, you can be strong enough to stay in the church in spite of the turmoil.
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<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-69765848785248696172011-07-24T00:33:00.000-07:002011-07-24T18:00:08.264-07:00Another late nightAnother late night post. It could be worse, it's just after midnight.<br /> I miss her terribly. To lose her has been devastating. I do ok with this game of denial, until I wake up and she's in my dreams, or I go to bed wishing she were here beside me.<br /> Sometimes I dream that everything is back to how it was. And it feels wonderful. And then I wake up to reality, and I just sob. <br /> I feel like my emotions are bleeding all over this blog page, and that's not really what I want. I just want to say that I do love her with all my heart. I wish she was back. I wish I knew how to make that happen.<br /> But it feels like it's too late. She's told me as much. I'd given up hope, but I feel like I shouldn't give up hope totally.<br /> I often get asked what I want. And not believing it's possible, I hedge around the question. But what I want is to be myself, but to be with her. I don't need to be with a man for that to happen.<br /> I do want a boyfriend sometimes. I want someone to console me, help me forget her. And I could have it. But I don't want it as much as I want to be married to her. To have her back in my life and in my arms. <br /> I think I just have to take it a day at a time. It isn't easy. I don't know if it ever gets better. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. But I guess the sharpness of the pain will subside. <br /> I've never been through something like this, where no matter what I do or how hard I try, it doesn't go away. It's there when I sleep, it's there when I wake up, it's there when I'm not even thinking about it. This terrible sadness and pain from losing the woman I love.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3259100264329775943.post-60921456072298275132011-06-28T11:14:00.000-07:002012-01-25T10:27:50.613-08:00TherapyI recently read <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/magazine/therapists-who-help-people-stay-in-the-closet.html">this</a> post in the New York Times.<br /><br />The desire to reconcile our religious faith with our same-sex attractions is difficult. We aren't the only ones with this desire or conflict. But being Mormon is a unique variation on a theme that the entire Christian world is struggling with.<br /><br />I'd like to share a little bit about my experiences both with therapists and with "book therapy." I do not endorse reparative therapy, or the authors I'm mentioning, or feel the same way now as I did then, so please don't assume I do.<br /><br />At 17, I realized that I might be gay. I wasn't as into girls as my friends, and I noticed I was aroused by good looking muscular boys, and that same feeling didn't really happen with girls. <br />I called one of my friends and told her I thought I was gay. I don't exactly remember what she said. But she told me not to worry about it so much.<br />As I was getting ready to apply to BYU, I set up an appointment with my Bishop.<br />I told my bishop, and he reacted better than I expected. He started telling me that research showed that these feelings were caused by a lot of things. He agreed not to tell my parents and he sent me to counseling. <br /><br />My first experience was with LDS family services. I pulled up to a stake center across town, and someone from LDS social services told me that because of problems with the relationship with my Dad, I had same-gender attraction. He told me a story about how he had ADHD and passed his test to become a therapist anyway. I cried for a long time in the car after. I didn't want to go back to him, and the Bishop agreed to pay to have me see a different therapist.<br /><br />She was nice. She was LDS and she wasn't pushy or anything, but we talked a lot about me believing I was gay. She talked to me about how in some cultures masculine physical affection was more acceptable, but in ours it wasn't. She believed I just was expressing a natural desire for affection but that I wasn't gay. <br /><br /> I remember reading on the internet, my source for all knowledge at the time, some people believed that homosexuality was caused by sexual abuse. I thought that I might have repressed memories, and my therapist did hypnotherapy with me to explore this. I didn't remember anything. I kind of latched onto this idea though, because it gave me a way for me to explain my same-sex attractions to people. <br /><br />I confided in my counselor at school, as well as two of the teachers that I might be gay. They were all heterosexual, but they were very understanding and compassionate to my situation. They urged me to take some time to find out about myself, to consider not going to BYU. They worried about how that might interfere my journey of self discovery. One teacher told me to be open to being gay. He told me that his friends had been in a committed monogamous relationship for over 20 years. He gave me a book about a pastor in California that had tried for years to deny himself, but eventually left his marriage and fell in love with a man. Somewhere in this process, I started dating a boy from the musical and from choir. It was mostly a good friendship and it wasn't serious, but we spent a lot of time together. He held my hand. He put his arm around me. <br /><br />After a couple months, I felt like I should tell my parents. I told my parents I was gay. All hell broke loose. Suddenly my parents, who had kind of left me alone to do my own thing were constantly talking to me or writing me letters about how I would die of AIDS if I lived a "gay lifestyle" about how I was rebelling against the Lord's plan for me. My parents flipped when they found out I had a boyfriend. I was pretty honest with them about how I felt. I felt that it wasn't wrong to hold hands. Why couldn't I just live the standards of the church that apply to boy/girl relationship, but apply them to me and my relationship? Because it became so difficult, I agreed to stop seeing him. <br /><br /> My Dad gave me a book by Nicolosi. A perusal of his books on Amazon includes such title's as <span style="font-style:italic;">A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality</span> or <span style="font-style:italic;">Reparative Therapy for Men</span>. I don't remember the title of the book I read, but the idea of the book was that exotic becomes erotic, that because of a deficiency in my male relationships I had eroticized men. <br /><br />A short time later, one of my friends came home from Ricks College for the summer. I told him that I thought I was gay. We talked all night. We prayed together on his lawn, and because of him, I decided to one not leave the church and two to try and marry a woman/become straight. He told me to have hope that someday I would find love and to not give up. <br /><br />I decided to see a male therapist, since I believed that I needed one to help me overcome my "deficiency." He was my friend's Stake President.I wasn't going in trying to do reparative therapy per se, but I was trying to have him help me to overcome the same-sex attraction. When I saw him, he had me read things about how the dynamics of the relationship with my parents created my homosexuality. He said I was too close to my Mom, and too distant from my dad, and this dynamic created same-sex attractions. He told me that just because I was aroused by men didn't mean I was gay. I should let myself feel free to have all the sexual feelings I want for women, that me feeling embarrassed about sex made it so I had fantasies about men and not women. At the end of our time, he told me that he as a therapist could only do so much, but that the atonement would heal me.<br /> <br />In September of that year, I went with my Dad to an Evergreen International Conference. I heard A. Dean Byrd rail against the APA from taking homosexuality out of the DSM-IV. I head stories about how people had been excommunicated and come back and been excommunicated again. I remember them talking about cruising and having sex in bathrooms and all kinds of things. It was a heartbreaking experience to hear what they'd been through. But a lot of them had overcome this and gotten married. This gave me hope. <br /><br />I also remember them talking about playing baseball to help feel more masculine. At the end I remember there was a fireside, and at the fireside I met a boy named Jon. He was from Provo and his Mom was there, and she didn't want us talking. But he did anyway. I remember wishing I could get to know him better. My Dad and I left the conference with a bunch of books that my Dad bought me. One was a workbook for Men on how to overcome SSA. I was on my way to becoming straight, or at least "diminishing" my feelings of same-sex attraction.<br /><br />(To be continued)Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13589508168777037793noreply@blogger.com2