Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tough Questions, No Easy Answers
Things are especially difficult right now. Both my wife and I have been asking some tough questions, like, why would you want to be married if you don't feel for me the same thing that I feel for you. (Among other impossible questions) It's been painful. I don't think I shouldn't have been honest with her, but it doesn't make it any easier when I hurt her. When things are insecure.
Things are sort of past that impossible point where I feared that what I said would effectively end our marriage.
And maybe that's what's going on. I don't know. Everything is so new, so present, that I don't know what to make of it.
But it's lead me to lose a lot of sleep. I've basically come to a rational conclusion as to why I should divorce my wife. I can justify it to myself and even she sees why I would make that choice. But my wife has basically come to the conclusion that she loves me, and so she can't divorce me.
That puts me in a really difficult spot.
Do I feel some sort of peace coming to this point? Not really. Staring divorce in the mouth doesn't feel good. It's mostly just brought pain and sadness.
Last night if I'd chose to, it would have been over. After being at that point (this was just over 24 hours ago) I'd say that a lot of complicated things have happened. I don't know how to describe them. Some of them are accepting that this might be the best path, others are trying to hold onto my wife, to make it better, to hope it can work.
My wife and others ask me, "well what do you want?" That's a hard question in and of itself, because I think I want different things. I want to hold onto the relationship I have with my wife, which is if troubled, full of good things. Another part of me wants so badly what's missing in my relationship with my wife, what's become painfully obvious.
Thank you for your friendship, your love, and your support. It means a lot to me. This isn't easy. I don't have an answer to anyone in a similar situation,
but I admire the faith and love you put into living your lives, whatever path you choose.