Things are especially difficult right now. Both my wife and I have been asking some tough questions, like, why would you want to be married if you don't feel for me the same thing that I feel for you. (Among other impossible questions) It's been painful. I don't think I shouldn't have been honest with her, but it doesn't make it any easier when I hurt her. When things are insecure.
Things are sort of past that impossible point where I feared that what I said would effectively end our marriage.
And maybe that's what's going on. I don't know. Everything is so new, so present, that I don't know what to make of it.
But it's lead me to lose a lot of sleep. I've basically come to a rational conclusion as to why I should divorce my wife. I can justify it to myself and even she sees why I would make that choice. But my wife has basically come to the conclusion that she loves me, and so she can't divorce me.
That puts me in a really difficult spot.
Do I feel some sort of peace coming to this point? Not really. Staring divorce in the mouth doesn't feel good. It's mostly just brought pain and sadness.
Last night if I'd chose to, it would have been over. After being at that point (this was just over 24 hours ago) I'd say that a lot of complicated things have happened. I don't know how to describe them. Some of them are accepting that this might be the best path, others are trying to hold onto my wife, to make it better, to hope it can work.
My wife and others ask me, "well what do you want?" That's a hard question in and of itself, because I think I want different things. I want to hold onto the relationship I have with my wife, which is if troubled, full of good things. Another part of me wants so badly what's missing in my relationship with my wife, what's become painfully obvious.
Thank you for your friendship, your love, and your support. It means a lot to me. This isn't easy. I don't have an answer to anyone in a similar situation,
but I admire the faith and love you put into living your lives, whatever path you choose.
Take care, buddy.
ReplyDeleteAlex, I well know how scary all of this is. After reading your post, I have several thoughts/questions for you to consider: First, I hope you are continuing to see a counselor. Second, you need to try to take care of yourself physically/emotionally.
ReplyDeleteThird, my sense is that you each may need to give yourselves a little more time to "digest" what is going on. I'm thinking particularly of your wife: I can't help but wonder whether she understands the significance of the changes that have occurred in you and what these mean for you - and for her.
As to people asking you what you want, well, I might suggest that this is not a fair question for you at this point in time. You have just recently allowed yourself to feel a lot of things and to accept some things about yourself. I would suggest that you probably need more time to sort all of this out and determine what it means for *you* before you try to determine what it means for your marriage, let alone being forced into a "choice."
Again, my sense is that this needs more time to ripen. As we've discussed, however, these are just my thoughts which may or may not be useful or applicable.
I agree with Invictus. Hang in there. This group can be a big support. We are here to help.
ReplyDeleteThanks all.
ReplyDeleteAlex, It's been interesting to see some of the comments on your blog regarding your current situation. All are so sincere in wanting to help ease your burden somehow. Although we all share a commonality, we are also so very different. For some the challenge of living in a "mixed orientation" marriage is a real struggle that they can't come to grips with, and I can't judge them because I am not them and their wife is not mine. For others, like me, although not always easy, imagining a life without my wife and family would be much harder and less fulfilling.
ReplyDeleteListen to all of us, and glean what you can, but ultimately, listen to the spirit and do what is best for you.
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