I'm in the middle of finals week. I need to write my papers. I probably couldn't have picked a worse time to do this. But I need a minute to reflect.
So much has happened in so little time. I'm starting the process of coming out. It's slow, but I'm telling a few people here and there, I'll write more about that later.
*Warning.* This next section gets pretty personal. (Some of this is rambling, so much like the last post, take it for what it's worth)
As far as my marriage goes, I have so many different feelings. Here is how things have been lately. As you can see from my last post, things have been pretty up and down. My wife and I fight (not even that bad or anything) but things are tense. We talk about it, understand each other better, and make up. But then as part of that, I think "alright, I feel like I trust my wife, I can be open with her, and I'm horny, we should have sex." And then it's just all wrong. I'm fake in my affection. I can't "make" myself do what needs to be done to initiate sex. So I don't. But then I walk away frustrated.
Sure we've been having sex all along. But she always began it. I thought I was straight (or had been made straight, mostly). That made it a lot easier.
So I decided(and she agreed) that at least for now we just wouldn't have sex anymore.
And I feel great. It takes a lot of pressure off.
At the same time, I wonder, "why am I still married then?"
I think that was the last straw for my wife. Not in a bad way. She didn't flip out or anything, but she did tell her parents. And this last weekend (before our agreement but after I first brought up divorce), she told my Mom, who then told my Dad, which initiated all kinds of drama.
Her parents are luckily, not crazy. My parents are really interesting, but that's a long story. I love them, don't get me wrong. But they are pretty crazy.
Her parents apparently still think I'm a nice guy. They're not angry with me. They think that ya, maybe we should get divorced.
So my wife and I talked openly about it. It felt good. When I wasn't talking about it, I'd just get home and be sad, and down. Getting it out in the open feels a lot better. We even started talking about who gets what. She of course gets the cat. I get the wii. I could go on, but it's something that both of us are seriously considering.
And it's confusing. It makes me see how amazing my wife is. I'm grateful she's who she is. If I could be married to any woman, I don't see how I could have picked much better. I start thinking that, and then I'm tempted to start the cycle again...
But I won't. At least not how I have been. I mean if all this lead to a sort of reconciliation, I think I could be happy with that. But I fundamentally believe it's not going to work out. If I'm wrong, I'm sure I'll figure that out. But I can't let fear of being wrong keep me from starting down this road, as painful as it is as times.
I think I'm learning. I think it's hard. I never wanted to be a person who got a divorce.But I don't have kids. There's a lot of reasons that making this decision now is a lot easier than making it down the line.
Even still, I'm not rushing to do it. I mean, I really genuinely enjoy being with my wife. I don't enjoy not being able to explore things about myself freely, but then I kind of think my wife is giving me that in a way.
I don't like feeling like I'm being false with people. Can I get over that? Maybe. But it's sort of conflicting (as you all know) being married and being gay. Some of you are fantastic at negotiating the pitfalls and hazards of that. I don't feel like I am so good at it.
There's a lot that enters into all of this!
We'll see. I'll keep you posted.
Don't get me wrong. There's some sadness. There's some regret in there of things I could and should have done better. I realize though I'm sort of already in the moving on stage. That I've already started grieving a loss. Which is weird, because I haven't lost it yet!
Mostly what I feel though is relief. I feel happy that I can accept myself, that I can embrace who I am and start to live my life again. That's something I wouldn't trade for anything.