Another late night post. It could be worse, it's just after midnight.
I miss her terribly. To lose her has been devastating. I do ok with this game of denial, until I wake up and she's in my dreams, or I go to bed wishing she were here beside me.
Sometimes I dream that everything is back to how it was. And it feels wonderful. And then I wake up to reality, and I just sob.
I feel like my emotions are bleeding all over this blog page, and that's not really what I want. I just want to say that I do love her with all my heart. I wish she was back. I wish I knew how to make that happen.
But it feels like it's too late. She's told me as much. I'd given up hope, but I feel like I shouldn't give up hope totally.
I often get asked what I want. And not believing it's possible, I hedge around the question. But what I want is to be myself, but to be with her. I don't need to be with a man for that to happen.
I do want a boyfriend sometimes. I want someone to console me, help me forget her. And I could have it. But I don't want it as much as I want to be married to her. To have her back in my life and in my arms.
I think I just have to take it a day at a time. It isn't easy. I don't know if it ever gets better. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. But I guess the sharpness of the pain will subside.
I've never been through something like this, where no matter what I do or how hard I try, it doesn't go away. It's there when I sleep, it's there when I wake up, it's there when I'm not even thinking about it. This terrible sadness and pain from losing the woman I love.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Therapy
I recently read this post in the New York Times.
The desire to reconcile our religious faith with our same-sex attractions is difficult. We aren't the only ones with this desire or conflict. But being Mormon is a unique variation on a theme that the entire Christian world is struggling with.
I'd like to share a little bit about my experiences both with therapists and with "book therapy." I do not endorse reparative therapy, or the authors I'm mentioning, or feel the same way now as I did then, so please don't assume I do.
At 17, I realized that I might be gay. I wasn't as into girls as my friends, and I noticed I was aroused by good looking muscular boys, and that same feeling didn't really happen with girls.
I called one of my friends and told her I thought I was gay. I don't exactly remember what she said. But she told me not to worry about it so much.
As I was getting ready to apply to BYU, I set up an appointment with my Bishop.
I told my bishop, and he reacted better than I expected. He started telling me that research showed that these feelings were caused by a lot of things. He agreed not to tell my parents and he sent me to counseling.
My first experience was with LDS family services. I pulled up to a stake center across town, and someone from LDS social services told me that because of problems with the relationship with my Dad, I had same-gender attraction. He told me a story about how he had ADHD and passed his test to become a therapist anyway. I cried for a long time in the car after. I didn't want to go back to him, and the Bishop agreed to pay to have me see a different therapist.
She was nice. She was LDS and she wasn't pushy or anything, but we talked a lot about me believing I was gay. She talked to me about how in some cultures masculine physical affection was more acceptable, but in ours it wasn't. She believed I just was expressing a natural desire for affection but that I wasn't gay.
I remember reading on the internet, my source for all knowledge at the time, some people believed that homosexuality was caused by sexual abuse. I thought that I might have repressed memories, and my therapist did hypnotherapy with me to explore this. I didn't remember anything. I kind of latched onto this idea though, because it gave me a way for me to explain my same-sex attractions to people.
I confided in my counselor at school, as well as two of the teachers that I might be gay. They were all heterosexual, but they were very understanding and compassionate to my situation. They urged me to take some time to find out about myself, to consider not going to BYU. They worried about how that might interfere my journey of self discovery. One teacher told me to be open to being gay. He told me that his friends had been in a committed monogamous relationship for over 20 years. He gave me a book about a pastor in California that had tried for years to deny himself, but eventually left his marriage and fell in love with a man. Somewhere in this process, I started dating a boy from the musical and from choir. It was mostly a good friendship and it wasn't serious, but we spent a lot of time together. He held my hand. He put his arm around me.
After a couple months, I felt like I should tell my parents. I told my parents I was gay. All hell broke loose. Suddenly my parents, who had kind of left me alone to do my own thing were constantly talking to me or writing me letters about how I would die of AIDS if I lived a "gay lifestyle" about how I was rebelling against the Lord's plan for me. My parents flipped when they found out I had a boyfriend. I was pretty honest with them about how I felt. I felt that it wasn't wrong to hold hands. Why couldn't I just live the standards of the church that apply to boy/girl relationship, but apply them to me and my relationship? Because it became so difficult, I agreed to stop seeing him.
My Dad gave me a book by Nicolosi. A perusal of his books on Amazon includes such title's as A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality or Reparative Therapy for Men. I don't remember the title of the book I read, but the idea of the book was that exotic becomes erotic, that because of a deficiency in my male relationships I had eroticized men.
A short time later, one of my friends came home from Ricks College for the summer. I told him that I thought I was gay. We talked all night. We prayed together on his lawn, and because of him, I decided to one not leave the church and two to try and marry a woman/become straight. He told me to have hope that someday I would find love and to not give up.
I decided to see a male therapist, since I believed that I needed one to help me overcome my "deficiency." He was my friend's Stake President.I wasn't going in trying to do reparative therapy per se, but I was trying to have him help me to overcome the same-sex attraction. When I saw him, he had me read things about how the dynamics of the relationship with my parents created my homosexuality. He said I was too close to my Mom, and too distant from my dad, and this dynamic created same-sex attractions. He told me that just because I was aroused by men didn't mean I was gay. I should let myself feel free to have all the sexual feelings I want for women, that me feeling embarrassed about sex made it so I had fantasies about men and not women. At the end of our time, he told me that he as a therapist could only do so much, but that the atonement would heal me.
In September of that year, I went with my Dad to an Evergreen International Conference. I heard A. Dean Byrd rail against the APA from taking homosexuality out of the DSM-IV. I head stories about how people had been excommunicated and come back and been excommunicated again. I remember them talking about cruising and having sex in bathrooms and all kinds of things. It was a heartbreaking experience to hear what they'd been through. But a lot of them had overcome this and gotten married. This gave me hope.
I also remember them talking about playing baseball to help feel more masculine. At the end I remember there was a fireside, and at the fireside I met a boy named Jon. He was from Provo and his Mom was there, and she didn't want us talking. But he did anyway. I remember wishing I could get to know him better. My Dad and I left the conference with a bunch of books that my Dad bought me. One was a workbook for Men on how to overcome SSA. I was on my way to becoming straight, or at least "diminishing" my feelings of same-sex attraction.
(To be continued)
The desire to reconcile our religious faith with our same-sex attractions is difficult. We aren't the only ones with this desire or conflict. But being Mormon is a unique variation on a theme that the entire Christian world is struggling with.
I'd like to share a little bit about my experiences both with therapists and with "book therapy." I do not endorse reparative therapy, or the authors I'm mentioning, or feel the same way now as I did then, so please don't assume I do.
At 17, I realized that I might be gay. I wasn't as into girls as my friends, and I noticed I was aroused by good looking muscular boys, and that same feeling didn't really happen with girls.
I called one of my friends and told her I thought I was gay. I don't exactly remember what she said. But she told me not to worry about it so much.
As I was getting ready to apply to BYU, I set up an appointment with my Bishop.
I told my bishop, and he reacted better than I expected. He started telling me that research showed that these feelings were caused by a lot of things. He agreed not to tell my parents and he sent me to counseling.
My first experience was with LDS family services. I pulled up to a stake center across town, and someone from LDS social services told me that because of problems with the relationship with my Dad, I had same-gender attraction. He told me a story about how he had ADHD and passed his test to become a therapist anyway. I cried for a long time in the car after. I didn't want to go back to him, and the Bishop agreed to pay to have me see a different therapist.
She was nice. She was LDS and she wasn't pushy or anything, but we talked a lot about me believing I was gay. She talked to me about how in some cultures masculine physical affection was more acceptable, but in ours it wasn't. She believed I just was expressing a natural desire for affection but that I wasn't gay.
I remember reading on the internet, my source for all knowledge at the time, some people believed that homosexuality was caused by sexual abuse. I thought that I might have repressed memories, and my therapist did hypnotherapy with me to explore this. I didn't remember anything. I kind of latched onto this idea though, because it gave me a way for me to explain my same-sex attractions to people.
I confided in my counselor at school, as well as two of the teachers that I might be gay. They were all heterosexual, but they were very understanding and compassionate to my situation. They urged me to take some time to find out about myself, to consider not going to BYU. They worried about how that might interfere my journey of self discovery. One teacher told me to be open to being gay. He told me that his friends had been in a committed monogamous relationship for over 20 years. He gave me a book about a pastor in California that had tried for years to deny himself, but eventually left his marriage and fell in love with a man. Somewhere in this process, I started dating a boy from the musical and from choir. It was mostly a good friendship and it wasn't serious, but we spent a lot of time together. He held my hand. He put his arm around me.
After a couple months, I felt like I should tell my parents. I told my parents I was gay. All hell broke loose. Suddenly my parents, who had kind of left me alone to do my own thing were constantly talking to me or writing me letters about how I would die of AIDS if I lived a "gay lifestyle" about how I was rebelling against the Lord's plan for me. My parents flipped when they found out I had a boyfriend. I was pretty honest with them about how I felt. I felt that it wasn't wrong to hold hands. Why couldn't I just live the standards of the church that apply to boy/girl relationship, but apply them to me and my relationship? Because it became so difficult, I agreed to stop seeing him.
My Dad gave me a book by Nicolosi. A perusal of his books on Amazon includes such title's as A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality or Reparative Therapy for Men. I don't remember the title of the book I read, but the idea of the book was that exotic becomes erotic, that because of a deficiency in my male relationships I had eroticized men.
A short time later, one of my friends came home from Ricks College for the summer. I told him that I thought I was gay. We talked all night. We prayed together on his lawn, and because of him, I decided to one not leave the church and two to try and marry a woman/become straight. He told me to have hope that someday I would find love and to not give up.
I decided to see a male therapist, since I believed that I needed one to help me overcome my "deficiency." He was my friend's Stake President.I wasn't going in trying to do reparative therapy per se, but I was trying to have him help me to overcome the same-sex attraction. When I saw him, he had me read things about how the dynamics of the relationship with my parents created my homosexuality. He said I was too close to my Mom, and too distant from my dad, and this dynamic created same-sex attractions. He told me that just because I was aroused by men didn't mean I was gay. I should let myself feel free to have all the sexual feelings I want for women, that me feeling embarrassed about sex made it so I had fantasies about men and not women. At the end of our time, he told me that he as a therapist could only do so much, but that the atonement would heal me.
In September of that year, I went with my Dad to an Evergreen International Conference. I heard A. Dean Byrd rail against the APA from taking homosexuality out of the DSM-IV. I head stories about how people had been excommunicated and come back and been excommunicated again. I remember them talking about cruising and having sex in bathrooms and all kinds of things. It was a heartbreaking experience to hear what they'd been through. But a lot of them had overcome this and gotten married. This gave me hope.
I also remember them talking about playing baseball to help feel more masculine. At the end I remember there was a fireside, and at the fireside I met a boy named Jon. He was from Provo and his Mom was there, and she didn't want us talking. But he did anyway. I remember wishing I could get to know him better. My Dad and I left the conference with a bunch of books that my Dad bought me. One was a workbook for Men on how to overcome SSA. I was on my way to becoming straight, or at least "diminishing" my feelings of same-sex attraction.
(To be continued)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Coming Back
It's 1:30 AM. I should be sleeping or working on a paper. I'm not particularly restless, but I feel the need to write.
I'm at the end of my first year Ph.d program. My wife and I filed for divorce two months ago. I told my wife right after Christmas that I was gay. It seemed like the right thing to do. That seems like a long time ago but it wasn't. So much has happened since then.
Sometimes I wish that I could take the last few months back and do them over. Because while I may be gay, that word may not mean what you think it means. It doesn't mean you made a mistake getting married. It doesn't mean you don't love your wife. It doesn't mean you'll be happier leaving your wife. It doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with a man to be happy. And it doesn't mean you have to leave the church. It doesn't mean you have to have sex with men to be true to yourself. And it doesn't mean you have to come out and tell everyone about it.
If you choose to do any of those things, you may be happier. It may be what you need. But it doesn't have to be. Me,I did some of those things, but not all. I've never kissed a man. I've never had sex with anyone but my wife. I'm in love with her. I miss her now. I want to be with her and I want to kiss her and hold her. If that means I'm bi, that's fine. Maybe I'm just a gay man in love with his wife. And maybe it doesn't matter if I fit into a box or are doing things according to what other people think I should do.
Leaving my wife hasn't brought me happiness. That's not quite right. My wife leaving me hasn't brought me happiness. There was sort of a mutual leaving, and a mutual getting divorced, and a mutual giving up on the relationship.
I've learned a lot since then. And I've made a lot of mistakes. There are things I wish I'd known. I wish I had come to know myself and what I wanted before I got married. I don't regret marrying her, but I was immature and uncommitted. And the list could go on.
I blamed a lot of problems in my relationship on being gay. But maybe there are reasons we got into the relationship or good things precisely because I'm gay. It is only part of the picture. There are so many dimensions and aspects to a relationship. Don't let this define you or your relationship completely.
I guess all I want to stay is don't go running off and leaving your wife just yet. There will be people that will tell you that's the only way to be happy. You are living a lie. You aren't being true to yourself. Well going out and doing things that you've never done before with people you don't really know isn't being anymore true to yourself. You may not even want to do them, so don't feel pressure to. I didn't do them. But I almost did. That's another story.
I'm back in the church now. I never really left it but I did stop going for a few weeks. It's not easy. But it's brought me a lot of help in a time when I need it. I can neither renounce my faith, nor deny this part of myself. I think I have a long road ahead.
I often wish I had my wife and best friend by my side to help me. She's done a lot for me, and I haven't taken the time to thank her for it. I didn't think about her needs enough. I was selfish and self centered, and if I could go back I'd change that. I should have put her needs above my own. And now I'm going to. I've hurt our relationship by the things I said and the things I've done. I would change that too.
The point is, be true to yourself. Not to some ideal of what you think you should be or be doing as a gay man, or otherwise. And be true to God. And let the other things fall in place.
I'm an imperfect man, giving an imperfect message. But I hope the message will come across in spite of this.
I'm at the end of my first year Ph.d program. My wife and I filed for divorce two months ago. I told my wife right after Christmas that I was gay. It seemed like the right thing to do. That seems like a long time ago but it wasn't. So much has happened since then.
Sometimes I wish that I could take the last few months back and do them over. Because while I may be gay, that word may not mean what you think it means. It doesn't mean you made a mistake getting married. It doesn't mean you don't love your wife. It doesn't mean you'll be happier leaving your wife. It doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with a man to be happy. And it doesn't mean you have to leave the church. It doesn't mean you have to have sex with men to be true to yourself. And it doesn't mean you have to come out and tell everyone about it.
If you choose to do any of those things, you may be happier. It may be what you need. But it doesn't have to be. Me,I did some of those things, but not all. I've never kissed a man. I've never had sex with anyone but my wife. I'm in love with her. I miss her now. I want to be with her and I want to kiss her and hold her. If that means I'm bi, that's fine. Maybe I'm just a gay man in love with his wife. And maybe it doesn't matter if I fit into a box or are doing things according to what other people think I should do.
Leaving my wife hasn't brought me happiness. That's not quite right. My wife leaving me hasn't brought me happiness. There was sort of a mutual leaving, and a mutual getting divorced, and a mutual giving up on the relationship.
I've learned a lot since then. And I've made a lot of mistakes. There are things I wish I'd known. I wish I had come to know myself and what I wanted before I got married. I don't regret marrying her, but I was immature and uncommitted. And the list could go on.
I blamed a lot of problems in my relationship on being gay. But maybe there are reasons we got into the relationship or good things precisely because I'm gay. It is only part of the picture. There are so many dimensions and aspects to a relationship. Don't let this define you or your relationship completely.
I guess all I want to stay is don't go running off and leaving your wife just yet. There will be people that will tell you that's the only way to be happy. You are living a lie. You aren't being true to yourself. Well going out and doing things that you've never done before with people you don't really know isn't being anymore true to yourself. You may not even want to do them, so don't feel pressure to. I didn't do them. But I almost did. That's another story.
I'm back in the church now. I never really left it but I did stop going for a few weeks. It's not easy. But it's brought me a lot of help in a time when I need it. I can neither renounce my faith, nor deny this part of myself. I think I have a long road ahead.
I often wish I had my wife and best friend by my side to help me. She's done a lot for me, and I haven't taken the time to thank her for it. I didn't think about her needs enough. I was selfish and self centered, and if I could go back I'd change that. I should have put her needs above my own. And now I'm going to. I've hurt our relationship by the things I said and the things I've done. I would change that too.
The point is, be true to yourself. Not to some ideal of what you think you should be or be doing as a gay man, or otherwise. And be true to God. And let the other things fall in place.
I'm an imperfect man, giving an imperfect message. But I hope the message will come across in spite of this.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Confused
So the question weighing on my mind is, am I bisexual?
This is a harder question to answer than you'd think. On the Kinsey scale, based on my behavior, I'm by definition bisexual. Whatever my attractions, identity, etc, that makes me bisexual.
I feel like the identity gay mostly fits, but these gay shoes I'm trying to grow into are a little uncomfortable. So why is this difficult? There's on the one hand the religious beliefs which prohibit exploration of the homosexual side of things, and and the Evergreen brainwashing which got me to try to diminish one side and increase the other. On the other hand, I enjoyed having sex with my wife and I found it fulfilling for years. I can't just disregard years of sexual experiences, years of data if you will, because now I'm being more "honest" and out.
I really do love my wife. We're separated but that feeling, that love, is real.
I wonder if this happens to anyone else.
Then the question on my mind is, if I'm bisexual, did I do the right thing?
Hard to know. Hard to fix now.
I guess my point is that rushing to identify as gay is not a magic pill. Coming out is not a sublime ecstasy. There are great things about it. There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with the sexual attractions, feelings, love between two men and two women. But there's nothing wrong with being bisexual either. The truth is that all of us are on a spectrum and continuum of sexuality and sexual orientation.
Things aren't as cut and dry as they always seem.
This is a harder question to answer than you'd think. On the Kinsey scale, based on my behavior, I'm by definition bisexual. Whatever my attractions, identity, etc, that makes me bisexual.
I feel like the identity gay mostly fits, but these gay shoes I'm trying to grow into are a little uncomfortable. So why is this difficult? There's on the one hand the religious beliefs which prohibit exploration of the homosexual side of things, and and the Evergreen brainwashing which got me to try to diminish one side and increase the other. On the other hand, I enjoyed having sex with my wife and I found it fulfilling for years. I can't just disregard years of sexual experiences, years of data if you will, because now I'm being more "honest" and out.
I really do love my wife. We're separated but that feeling, that love, is real.
I wonder if this happens to anyone else.
Then the question on my mind is, if I'm bisexual, did I do the right thing?
Hard to know. Hard to fix now.
I guess my point is that rushing to identify as gay is not a magic pill. Coming out is not a sublime ecstasy. There are great things about it. There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with the sexual attractions, feelings, love between two men and two women. But there's nothing wrong with being bisexual either. The truth is that all of us are on a spectrum and continuum of sexuality and sexual orientation.
Things aren't as cut and dry as they always seem.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Powerful Thoughts: "A gay Mormon's perspective"
My friend recommended this video to me. It's part of a video blog and there are a number of them on Youtube. I can relate to him a lot.
This is a powerful video. He talks about his Mormon friend that committed suicide. If you are gay and Mormon, you need to see this.
This really affected me. I've been going back and forth with the church, looking at it this way or that. I love the church, the gospel. I have my doubts and questions, but I could see myself participating at church in spite of those.
But at this point, I don't care if the church is true or not anymore. I don't care if they do a lot of good. I don't think I can be part of the church if it's causing me such misery. I've felt that, that desire to just die. It's what caused me to say, this isn't right. I'm not supposed to be living the gospel, married in the temple to a good woman, and feeling like I want my life to be over.
Then I accepted myself as gay. And while it's obviously been a difficult road, I've never felt that since. I've felt sadness and pain at getting divorced, frustrated with family, but also peace with myself. I've felt hope for the future. My faith in God and his plan for me has strengthened.
Luckily in my case, it never became as serious as Clark's friend. I've never personally been at the point where I planned or attempted suicide but I do know gay Mormons who have. This is something I've been thinking about ever since I read Rob's recent post.I don't hate the church. But how many more Mormon youth, and some even older have to commit suicide before things change? How many more families have to fall apart before the church stops recommending or pressuring gay people to get married? I do not mean to say that everyone should up and get divorced. Quite the opposite. I respect that decision to stay married, and even to get married under certain conditions. But I do believe we need to look at how much pressure there is and allow some room for people, LGBT and otherwise, that shouldn't have to feel like to be part of the kingdom of God they have to deny their existence or human dignity.
Not only should we not recommend marriage as a fix or cure as President Hinckley said, we shouldn't suggest that people need to be fixed or cured at all. The church isn't there yet.
And until that changes, I think I'm going to have to sit out for a while. As much as people say otherwise, there is no place for me within Mormon doctrine, at least as currently revealed. More importantly, there's no room for me in church practice and procedure. To the LDS church, I'm an aberration. I don't fit into the paradigm being taught. I hold out hope that I exist somewhere in that "we believe God will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God."
I think for my own survival and happiness it may be the best decision to be Mormon, but not be in the church. At least for the time being.
This is a powerful video. He talks about his Mormon friend that committed suicide. If you are gay and Mormon, you need to see this.
This really affected me. I've been going back and forth with the church, looking at it this way or that. I love the church, the gospel. I have my doubts and questions, but I could see myself participating at church in spite of those.
But at this point, I don't care if the church is true or not anymore. I don't care if they do a lot of good. I don't think I can be part of the church if it's causing me such misery. I've felt that, that desire to just die. It's what caused me to say, this isn't right. I'm not supposed to be living the gospel, married in the temple to a good woman, and feeling like I want my life to be over.
Then I accepted myself as gay. And while it's obviously been a difficult road, I've never felt that since. I've felt sadness and pain at getting divorced, frustrated with family, but also peace with myself. I've felt hope for the future. My faith in God and his plan for me has strengthened.
Luckily in my case, it never became as serious as Clark's friend. I've never personally been at the point where I planned or attempted suicide but I do know gay Mormons who have. This is something I've been thinking about ever since I read Rob's recent post.I don't hate the church. But how many more Mormon youth, and some even older have to commit suicide before things change? How many more families have to fall apart before the church stops recommending or pressuring gay people to get married? I do not mean to say that everyone should up and get divorced. Quite the opposite. I respect that decision to stay married, and even to get married under certain conditions. But I do believe we need to look at how much pressure there is and allow some room for people, LGBT and otherwise, that shouldn't have to feel like to be part of the kingdom of God they have to deny their existence or human dignity.
Not only should we not recommend marriage as a fix or cure as President Hinckley said, we shouldn't suggest that people need to be fixed or cured at all. The church isn't there yet.
And until that changes, I think I'm going to have to sit out for a while. As much as people say otherwise, there is no place for me within Mormon doctrine, at least as currently revealed. More importantly, there's no room for me in church practice and procedure. To the LDS church, I'm an aberration. I don't fit into the paradigm being taught. I hold out hope that I exist somewhere in that "we believe God will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God."
I think for my own survival and happiness it may be the best decision to be Mormon, but not be in the church. At least for the time being.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Response to (Gay) Mormon Guy
Gay Mormon guy apparently chose not to publish my comment to this post. I want to say I think he is doing something admirable, helping members of the church change their predjudices about homosexuality. Still, I feel the right to publish my own comment, so I'll go ahead and write about it here. My comment is as follows:
This is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. I’m like you, a gay Mormon guy. As of recently, I’m a divorced gay Mormon guy. So where does that leave me in the kingdom of God?
I get frustrated when I talk with family members and they tell me that I should pray to God to “overcome my Same-sex attraction.” I know in my heart they are wrong. It can’t be overcome. I’m going to feel these feelings and attractions the rest of my life. It’s…natural. And we don’t ask people with “opposite-sex attraction” to overcome or pray away their feelings of attraction for the opposite sex. We tell them to wait until marriage. We tell them to “bridle their passions.” It should be the same with people who are gay.
The more I research and talk to people in the LGBT community, the more I realize how natural it all is. They love each other. They have fulfilling relationships. They in some cases have great families.
The more I experience, I realize that being in a relationship with someone of the same-sex is completely natural. For a long time, I used this as a sort of justification for saying that the church can’t be true, the church is wrong. I think a lot of people feel my frustration. People tell you that just being you is wrong, when it isn’t. Luckily, Elder Holland seems to understand.
But the issue isn’t whether or not it is natural. If you are a believing latter-day saint, you believe in the law of chastity. If you take a step back, it’s perfectly natural for a man and a woman to have sex. It’s maybe the most natural thing that there is. That doesn’t mean that it is allowed under the laws of God or the church. You still have to be married even if it’s natural.
Do people who aren’t married love each other? Absolutely. Do they sometimes have kids and are they good parents. Yes!
Should we condemn and hate people that don’t follow the law of chastity? Of course not! That goes for gay or straight people. We are supposed to welcome people and teach them the gospel.
I respect your decision, but let me tell you, I don’t think I can make it. I’m struggling with it. Because if all I was giving up was having sex, that’s one thing.
But I’m not allowed under the church to be married to the person I can love and be in a fulfilling relationship with. This would take much longer to explain than I possibly could in a few lines, but I was physically and psychologically incapable of giving my wife the love she deserves. I was married for three years before I finally came to that realization. It was/is hard.
And so my dream in life is to have a family. It’s to find someone I love and who loves me back. This is not an unrighteous desire! I believe that God wants me to be happy. And though this isn’t unique to gays and lesbians, to tell me that I can never have a family, I can never have the love and companionship of a spouse, to tell me that I can never have the happiness I want, doesn't feel right. Unlike my lovely heterosexual brothers and sisters, I can’t choose to obey the law of chastity by getting married. I can’t work towards being married. So while in essence the law of chastity is the same as heterosexuals who never marry, in my case there isn’t even the possibility. I can only choose to obey it by being celibate.
I don’t know how to make that choice.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile now. I’m like you, a gay Mormon guy. As of recently, I’m a divorced gay Mormon guy. So where does that leave me in the kingdom of God?
I get frustrated when I talk with family members and they tell me that I should pray to God to “overcome my Same-sex attraction.” I know in my heart they are wrong. It can’t be overcome. I’m going to feel these feelings and attractions the rest of my life. It’s…natural. And we don’t ask people with “opposite-sex attraction” to overcome or pray away their feelings of attraction for the opposite sex. We tell them to wait until marriage. We tell them to “bridle their passions.” It should be the same with people who are gay.
The more I research and talk to people in the LGBT community, the more I realize how natural it all is. They love each other. They have fulfilling relationships. They in some cases have great families.
The more I experience, I realize that being in a relationship with someone of the same-sex is completely natural. For a long time, I used this as a sort of justification for saying that the church can’t be true, the church is wrong. I think a lot of people feel my frustration. People tell you that just being you is wrong, when it isn’t. Luckily, Elder Holland seems to understand.
But the issue isn’t whether or not it is natural. If you are a believing latter-day saint, you believe in the law of chastity. If you take a step back, it’s perfectly natural for a man and a woman to have sex. It’s maybe the most natural thing that there is. That doesn’t mean that it is allowed under the laws of God or the church. You still have to be married even if it’s natural.
Do people who aren’t married love each other? Absolutely. Do they sometimes have kids and are they good parents. Yes!
Should we condemn and hate people that don’t follow the law of chastity? Of course not! That goes for gay or straight people. We are supposed to welcome people and teach them the gospel.
I respect your decision, but let me tell you, I don’t think I can make it. I’m struggling with it. Because if all I was giving up was having sex, that’s one thing.
But I’m not allowed under the church to be married to the person I can love and be in a fulfilling relationship with. This would take much longer to explain than I possibly could in a few lines, but I was physically and psychologically incapable of giving my wife the love she deserves. I was married for three years before I finally came to that realization. It was/is hard.
And so my dream in life is to have a family. It’s to find someone I love and who loves me back. This is not an unrighteous desire! I believe that God wants me to be happy. And though this isn’t unique to gays and lesbians, to tell me that I can never have a family, I can never have the love and companionship of a spouse, to tell me that I can never have the happiness I want, doesn't feel right. Unlike my lovely heterosexual brothers and sisters, I can’t choose to obey the law of chastity by getting married. I can’t work towards being married. So while in essence the law of chastity is the same as heterosexuals who never marry, in my case there isn’t even the possibility. I can only choose to obey it by being celibate.
I don’t know how to make that choice.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Hello again Blogosphere
Well, I'm back. I'm now living on my own, my ex has moved back home to Colorado, and life is to put it mildly, pretty different.
I'm starting to like it. I've been reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones. I'm getting more of my work done for school. It's good.
I am starting to feel at peace with being divorced. It's a hard thing to go through. I don't wish it on anyone. But as they say, it gets better.
I'm more and more at peace with being gay. I've come out to most of my siblings (there are 8) as well as to more and more friends.
The trickiest part for me right now is the church. When I talk with my family about the church,about my doubts, my fears, and concerns I usually end up frustrated. One brother told me that if I read the Book of Mormon everyday, I wouldn't struggle with my same-sex attraction. My cousin told me that I shouldn't believe that lie of Satan that I can't change. My Grandpa told me that God made me to be a husband and Father.
And yeah. It hurt. I should forgive them. They care about me. But I also need to tell them when they are wrong, when they've crossed the line. And I have been. But I haven't resolved things really. Not yet at least.
My Mom keeps pleading with me to go to Church. And maybe I should. I didn't magically change from one person to another when I decided to come out. I'm still pretty Mormon, even as I doubt and question. I believe that is part of maturing, part of having faith. They don't seem to understand.
On the other hand, I have tremendous respect for my brother and his wife, who really do understand. I also respect my ex, and her family. They have always treated me with great respect. You can be in the church, and not treat other people how my family is treating me. I can't blame the Mormon church for the way they've acted, when there are so many many great people in the church.
I probably don't have it that bad. There are plenty of people in worse situations with their family than I am.
But it's still hard.
I'm not bitter at the church. I just don't really know my place anymore. I don't know why I would choose to go to a singles ward, if, following the rules, I wouldn't be dating and getting married. I don't know why I would go to a family ward, to be constantly reminded of the family I can't have, at least if I'm living according to the rules of the church.
I'm starting to like it. I've been reconnecting with old friends, and making new ones. I'm getting more of my work done for school. It's good.
I am starting to feel at peace with being divorced. It's a hard thing to go through. I don't wish it on anyone. But as they say, it gets better.
I'm more and more at peace with being gay. I've come out to most of my siblings (there are 8) as well as to more and more friends.
The trickiest part for me right now is the church. When I talk with my family about the church,about my doubts, my fears, and concerns I usually end up frustrated. One brother told me that if I read the Book of Mormon everyday, I wouldn't struggle with my same-sex attraction. My cousin told me that I shouldn't believe that lie of Satan that I can't change. My Grandpa told me that God made me to be a husband and Father.
And yeah. It hurt. I should forgive them. They care about me. But I also need to tell them when they are wrong, when they've crossed the line. And I have been. But I haven't resolved things really. Not yet at least.
My Mom keeps pleading with me to go to Church. And maybe I should. I didn't magically change from one person to another when I decided to come out. I'm still pretty Mormon, even as I doubt and question. I believe that is part of maturing, part of having faith. They don't seem to understand.
On the other hand, I have tremendous respect for my brother and his wife, who really do understand. I also respect my ex, and her family. They have always treated me with great respect. You can be in the church, and not treat other people how my family is treating me. I can't blame the Mormon church for the way they've acted, when there are so many many great people in the church.
I probably don't have it that bad. There are plenty of people in worse situations with their family than I am.
But it's still hard.
I'm not bitter at the church. I just don't really know my place anymore. I don't know why I would choose to go to a singles ward, if, following the rules, I wouldn't be dating and getting married. I don't know why I would go to a family ward, to be constantly reminded of the family I can't have, at least if I'm living according to the rules of the church.
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