Understanding Homophobia

I want to talk about bigotry. And racism. And make plain something that isn't obvious.
This is a difficult topic to broach. Whenever you talk about racism or homophobia people just want to ignore it or rationalize it or accuse people of being "over sensitive." No one wants to be a racist. And no one wants to be bigoted.
When I tell them I think the church is bigoted, homophobic, prejudiced, whatever name you want to call it, they think of the worst expressions of that. And that's plainly there. I grew up in the Central Valley of California, and I heard plenty of that from my friends at church, or even from adults. I was there for the fundraising of Proposition 22 (the earlier incarnation of Prop 8) that happened in Stake Priesthood meetings. And the things said even over the pulpit were inconsistent with followers of Christ. When I moved to Utah, any semblance of civility was swept away as people bashed gays during Prop 8.
I've had a bishop apologize to me because he said he would like to dedicate a fifth sunday to the topic, but was worried about the kinds of things people would say (as in discriminatory things) if the topic were brought up. I think he's right.
And yet, I believe that the majority of bishops, and members of the church wouldn't react in such a negative way. That isn't the problem. The problem is actually in denying the existence of homosexuality. This is a much subtler form of homophobia. To ask members to deny the existence of a gay identity, to ask them to love the sinner but hate the sin, to talk about "so-called gays and lesbians" is derogatory.
Why? Why should I want to take a phenomenon, a physical, sexual, romantic, emotional attraction to the same sex and label it, identify it? That's legitimizing it, making it normal, making it natural.
Exactly. This is what the church wants to avoid. What members are taught to shun. For example, Elder Oaks in his Q&A with Elder Wickman told parents they shouldn't have to accept a visiting partner because that would grant legitimacy to such a union, and that's unfair to the parents.
Is it? To recognize that your son or daughter is in love, even if you don't agree with "such a union", is that unfair? Is that wrong? It isn't. It's what I would hope anyone would do.

One day after a particularly difficult discussion with my cousin about me being gay, I asked myself, do I exist? Of course I exist, and of course this part of my identity exists, but in their minds and in the minds of many in the church, my purpose is to procreate and be bonded to a woman. That is the purpose of life. And if I can't do that, I don't exist on the same level as my friends and family who can do that. That's frustrating.
During this discussion my cousin told me, "You just think that you're gay. Try not to think about it so much. It's like an alcoholic thinking about alcohol" I'll admit, as will many of you, that I'm guilty of over thinking. Of worrying about it too much. Of stressing about what people would think if they knew.
But that isn't what she meant. She was talking about if I could think I was straight, I would be able to be straight. "As a man thinketh.." Or something like that. But really? I was married three years. Many other people have been married longer than that. If I could think myself straight I would have.
But you can't. I can't undo biology, or the complex interaction of physiological and psychological processes. It's unethical to try (and believe me, people try, and have all kinds of advice on how to do so). Imagine, taking a straight man, and making him gay by sexual experience, by getting at the root of his "opposite sex attraction", of telling him that God loves him even though he struggles with opposite sex attraction, that he just shouldn't think about it so much, that he should marry a man anyway if the right guy comes along.
I think this would be fascinating. Fascinating, but unethical. There are standards for therapy and there are standards for experimentation. We also wouldn't show the man pictures of naked women and shock his genitals until he turned gay. Or lobotamize him (See The Mormon Proposition). Or alter his physical body or attempt to screw with his psyche to get him to change his sexual orientation. Or make lame analogies about dragons (see Jeffrey Robinson...or don't.)
Guess what? When you sleep, when you dream, it's there. Subconsciously, no matter how hard you try, your need, your desire to be with a man is there. It's what you want. And it isn't wrong. It isn't sinful. It just is. And it's going to be there the rest of your life.
One of the saddest things is that we gay men internalize the homophobia and repeat it. I'm guilty of this. For years I participated in it. And I apologize for it.I hope that I can overcome it fully. Because when you deny yourself what you want, you make sure others can't have it. Or when you indulge in self-loathing and shame because you are gay, that shows in the way you hate others. Sometimes this is subtle too. People can be compassionate and still be against "acting on same-sex attraction", but there's a subtle jealousy there, a subtle desire to have what they have, and it shows in how strongly they react against it.
I believe in the gospel of peace and love. And homophobia in any form is inconsistent with this. So is racism. As time goes on, the parallels between the two become more and more obvious. I'd like to see this change in the church. I'd like to be part of it, but as they say it's important to put your own oxygen mask on first. Or in more Mormon terms, it's important to handle your own stewardship and provide for your own emotional health and that of your family first before helping others. I can and must forgive, but that isn't the same as tacitly accepting it over and over and over again. I can't intentionally subject myself to it like I have been. Not now that my eyes are open.

Therapy (Again)

Today was my last appointment with the therapist I've been seeing for the last 7 months.

I stepped into the university counseling center in January of this year. The first day they asked me to fill out a survey. I was asked to identify my sexual orientation on the survey and state my reasons for coming to counseling. I didn't quite know what to say. I checked the box that said "questioning." I put I was there because of my sexual orientation as well as for depression. It wasn't as if I didn't know that I was attracted to men. So I didn't know if "questioning" or gay or bi was the right word for a formerly somewhat out gay man who tried to change his sexual orientation and was currently married.

I went in because something in my life wasn't right. My wife and I had moved to California, and the last couple of months had been hard. I'd stay up late crying. I pulled out the evergreen manual wondering if there was something in there that could help me. I didn't seem to find resolution or answers. Finally in January I told my wife, "I'm gay. I know I told you before, but there's more to the story than when I first told you."

We hadn't talked about it since I told her right before we got engaged. I wrote a letter. I had her read it, and then we talked about it. I told her in that letter I'd realized this was something I couldn't change. I told her I thought about doing therapy, but I was worried that they would convince me I was gay, or convince me to do something against the teachings of the church. Even though we were worried about that, we decided it'd be best if I went to therapy anyway.

So as I sat telling my counselor about how I'd gone to evergreen and how I'd gone 10 years since then avoiding a "Gay lifestyle" she seemed surprised. I told her though that I'd realized recently that no, my efforts to diminish my same sex attraction hadn't worked. I was still as attracted to men as I ever was. In all that time, I wasn't exactly in denial about being same-sex attracted, but I just sort of put it in a unresolved box that said, someday God will take this away. Confronting the reality that it wasn't going to change was difficult for me.

The next time we met, she pulled out a paper with a scale on it and explained that sexuality is complex and not as simple as gay/straight. I told her how much I loved my wife, but how I wasn't sure what to do about the fact that I was sexually attracted to men.

I didn't know exactly what I felt for my wife. Was I gay? Could I be in love with a woman as a gay man? As the weeks went on, we explored this conflict that I felt between having sex with a woman but being attracted primarily to men. It didn't really make sense to me at first. I thought, is she telling me it doesn't matter that I'm attracted to guys and married? She said she understood why I would feel a conflict. But in my way of seeing the world, I just didn't get it at first. It took some time, and education to learn what sexual orientation was, what "being gay" meant.

Contrary to what I feared originally, never once did my therapist tell me what to do, or convince me to be gay, or live any lifestyle. But as I went into this space where I was free to talk about what I wanted, what I was feeling, I realized for myself I felt a lot of conflict about being married. I was somewhat uncomfortable saying I was gay or bi, but accepting that my same-sex attraction was natural was affirming. I became more comfortable saying I was gay over time, because it was a way to view myself as a whole rather than shoving my "same-sex attraction" into a box that read "wrong, evil." I'd been told my whole life that somehow I was deviant, or unnatural. But finally I wasn't.

Therapists tend to affirm you as an individual.I don't believe this is wrong. She was with me and understanding and affirming when I talked about my conflict. But she never convinced me to label myself as gay, live a gay lifestlye, divorce my wife, or anything. My LDS therapists were for the most part unaffirming. They denied that I was gay, and lead me to do the same. They did steer me toward what they thought I should do. This is at least somewhat unethical. A therapist is supposed to do what the client wants. To try and push your client a certain direction because of your personal view point is, according to my understanding, against the standards of the profession.

As I came to an understanding that it was alright that I was gay, something I'd felt myself in prayer, then I had to figure out where to go from there. Being gay and married is not something I'd ever really come to terms with. I'd always lived believing that being gay was something wrong, and that my same-sex attraction was something that would someday be changed. The attractions and feelings were to be changed suppressed, ignored, prayed against, and I believed God would help me overcome them.

He didn't. He lead me to understand it isn't wrong to be attracted, sexually or otherwise, to men. It's not my fault that I am, it's not because I had gotten too close to my Mom, or because of abuse, or any reason other than it just was.

Sometimes people ask, well, you seemed to deal with being Mormon and gay and married really well for a while didn't you? What changed? I can't say exactly. It's hard to explain. I think after enough years of having my interest piqued every time a gay themed story, or movie, or book, or even lesson in church came up, it gets to the point where you can't ignore it anymore. After enough years beating yourself up because you notice a good looking guy, or noticing how you don't check out the pretty girl down the hall, or in a movie, you can't help feeling different. You can't help but start to question your choices, and the path your life is on.

So what do you do about it? I think a lot of things. I think we all have to make our own decisions and live with our choices. A healthy way seems to be to say, I'm attracted to men. Awesome. And then move on. Or saying, I'm attracted to this guy, we like each other, I'd like to see where this goes. An unhealthy way seems to be to try and root it out, beat yourself up for it, seek for causes and roots, and reasons that are invalid. It's pretty disappointing when after years and years of believing a lie, you confront the reality of that.

I don't believe that everyone in a "Mixed orientation Marriage" should just get divorced. I don't even believe that everyone with "same-gender attraction" should resign themselves to celibacy to stay in the church or leaving the church to have a relationship with a same-sex partner. We're all different. Human relationships and human sexuality is so complex. At the same time, I don't believe that it's healthy to just ignore conflict, ignore the way it affects the sexual relationship and other aspects of a relationship. I think honesty before marriage and during marriage goes a long way. I don’t know if that’s enough, but it helps avoid a lot of heartbreak down the line. Being honest with yourself and others is one of the most important things. For me and my wife it wasn’t enough. I don’t have the answers for other people, I just know for myself what I’ve lived and been through.

A Collective Case of the Willies

There's a far side comic, where a man after 20 years of cleaning the snake room in the zoo has "a collective case of the willies." It shows him shivering and freaking out, like it all just hit him at once how creepy it was.

If I find it online, I'll post it later. The point is, that's what happened to me with the church. I read about the experiences of others like Invictus Pilgrim who heard Boyd K. Packer's talk, how something finally snapped, something finally gave.

For me, it was when I watched the video of Steve Lee talking about his experience in the church. And finally I couldn't take it anymore. Something clicked.

I had a collective case of the willies, like it all just dawned on me what I'd been putting myself through. Finally it all hit me, all the insults, all the preaching at the pulpit or conversations about Prop 22 or Prop 8, all the conference talks I've read about same-gender attraction, the evergreen conference, the materials I read, reading the miracle of forgiveness.

And finally I realized, this is homophobia. This is heterosexism. This is predjudice and bigotry.

And I can't unsee it. I go to church and hear it preached every week in lessons, in talks. It isn't any one person's fault. I don't hate either the church or the people. This is my people, my family, my loved ones, my friends, the people I've given my life to serving and helping, my time, my talents, my money to.

And it saddens me in a way that I can't describe that I'm not welcome. Or that I'm only welcome conditionally. Is there room for me, is there a place in the kingdom for someone like me? There's supposed to be. For sinners, saints, for everyone. But I just don't see that. I see the way that even in the highest offices in the church homophobia is expressed and taught.

Does this mean the church isn't true? I don't know. It's similar to blacks and the priesthood. Racism was institutionalized by church practice and defended by church "Doctrine". Statements from Brigham Young onward excluded blacks from not just receiving the priesthood but exaltation. They were not allowed to marry in the temple, or receive their endowments. Inter-racial marriage was strongly discouraged and in fact, you couldn't be sealed if you were in an inter-racial marriage.

So if racism was part of the church, does it surprise you that homophobia is as well? By homophobia, I mean discrimination against lesbian, gays, bisexual, transgendered, questioning, asexual..anything outside of the norm.

I've tried for so long to just reconcile Mormonism and my sexual orientation. I've tried therapy, I've tried Evergreen, I've talked to countless bishops, I've tried prayer and fasting, I've tried blessings, I've tried strict obedience, I've tried marriage (which to be fair, was not taken as a therapeutic step). In one way or another, I've tried to fit myself in the heteronormative doctrine and culture of the church.

But I can't. It's wrong. It's just not true. If I could do it, I would have done it by now! And so would so many other people. So many people suffering, depressed, suicidal, all in the name of trying to be part of the kingdom of God.

It's wrong. It's just wrong. And for some reason, people are blind to it.

I don't know what I believe about the church anymore. I've been through so much with priesthood leaders, LDS therapists, and others in the church. And the argument could be made, yes, those were individuals, not the church. But individuals with the blessing, and the backing of church doctrine and practice. And individuals who misused their position of authority to tell me what I should do, to steer me down a path which has ultimately lead to depression, heartache, pain, sadness and loneliness.

In the end, I realize that I am responsible for choosing to listen to them. But I can see why I did. I was raised and to trust that bishops and other leaders spoke for God.

And while I think that leaders of the church have much to offer in guidance and counsel, perpetuating falsehoods and negative stereotypes is not something that they should be doing. If the church is true, then this is still wrong. This still has to be changed. This has to stop.

Homophobia is not unique to the LDS church. This is a much bigger issue cultural issue. But given the dynamics of change in the church, and the ingrained cultural biases that are so heteronormative, (how many young men's and women's lessons are on temple marriage, or talks in general conference, or single's ward talks/ lessons for that matter?), I suspect it will take decades for change to happen. It's rooted in the institution, the doctrine, the practices, the culture, and the people.

In the meantime, hopefully more members will be like my brother and his wife who do reach out with compassion and love and understanding and tell me they know it isn't right, they have a hard time with the churches stance and political activity as well. There is hope. It might just take the church wandering in the wilderness of intolerance for 40 years before we see the change.

I can't say what I should do in the meantime. Do I come out to my ward? Do I limit my participation? Do I stop attending all together? Do I write a letter in protest resigning from the church? Do I look for a new community of faith? I can't get away from the fact that my family and many friends are Mormon, and there's no running from prejudice and homophobia that exists outside the church as well. But when it's at my church, my sanctuary, my place of refuge, why would I continue to go? Because I do feel some connection with God when I go? Because even though so much doesn't ring true there are other things that do?

Gah. I don't know.

More Questions

I watched this video recently. While I don't agree with everything he says, a lot of it rings true to me, it's what I've lived myself.



My whole life, I’ve been told that this is not how you were created to be. You are just defective. Wait til the resurrection to be fixed. The rhetoric of “unnatural” “abominable” has toned down since Kimball, but the doctrine remains the same; and the message over and over is you don’t fit. You don't have a place in the plan of salvation as we know it.

I look back at the history of homosexuality and the church. Why is it that as a church we justify any means, even psychologically damaging ones, to fit people into the doctrine, fit into the plan of salvation who don't fit? Why did BYU say we’re going to justify showing pictures of naked men, and then shocking your genitals until we cure this? Or alternatively, and more recently, we’re going to psychologically break you down and use unapproved therapeutic methods until we get to the root of the matter and fix it.

Why is it that myself and many other gay Mormons have felt depression, anxiety, guilt, suicidal even, over just existing? Just being. Just trying to live from one day to another.

Why is it that the person must change, and not the doctrine or the institution?Science suggests that sexual orientation is inborn and is unable to be changed. That it’s natural and normal genetic variation. What if they are right?

I think they are right. I didn't choose to be gay. I just am.

And while the church does acknowledge this possibility, to a degree, their response is well, live the best you can with this challenge, this struggle, this burden, this defect, and someday, in the next life, God will make it right.

I'm not defective, broken, less of a man, less of anything because I'm gay. It's part of who I am. God does love all his children. And he loves them as they are.

And while I know this, it's difficult to week after week, day after day go to church and hear in one form or another the opposite.

Some may say, if you feel that way, why don't you just leave? And others say, you can do this, you can be strong enough to stay in the church in spite of the turmoil.

Another late night

Another late night post. It could be worse, it's just after midnight.
I miss her terribly. To lose her has been devastating. I do ok with this game of denial, until I wake up and she's in my dreams, or I go to bed wishing she were here beside me.
Sometimes I dream that everything is back to how it was. And it feels wonderful. And then I wake up to reality, and I just sob.
I feel like my emotions are bleeding all over this blog page, and that's not really what I want. I just want to say that I do love her with all my heart. I wish she was back. I wish I knew how to make that happen.
But it feels like it's too late. She's told me as much. I'd given up hope, but I feel like I shouldn't give up hope totally.
I often get asked what I want. And not believing it's possible, I hedge around the question. But what I want is to be myself, but to be with her. I don't need to be with a man for that to happen.
I do want a boyfriend sometimes. I want someone to console me, help me forget her. And I could have it. But I don't want it as much as I want to be married to her. To have her back in my life and in my arms.
I think I just have to take it a day at a time. It isn't easy. I don't know if it ever gets better. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. But I guess the sharpness of the pain will subside.
I've never been through something like this, where no matter what I do or how hard I try, it doesn't go away. It's there when I sleep, it's there when I wake up, it's there when I'm not even thinking about it. This terrible sadness and pain from losing the woman I love.

Therapy

I recently read this post in the New York Times.

The desire to reconcile our religious faith with our same-sex attractions is difficult. We aren't the only ones with this desire or conflict. But being Mormon is a unique variation on a theme that the entire Christian world is struggling with.

I'd like to share a little bit about my experiences both with therapists and with "book therapy." I do not endorse reparative therapy, or the authors I'm mentioning, or feel the same way now as I did then, so please don't assume I do.

At 17, I realized that I might be gay. I wasn't as into girls as my friends, and I noticed I was aroused by good looking muscular boys, and that same feeling didn't really happen with girls.
I called one of my friends and told her I thought I was gay. I don't exactly remember what she said. But she told me not to worry about it so much.
As I was getting ready to apply to BYU, I set up an appointment with my Bishop.
I told my bishop, and he reacted better than I expected. He started telling me that research showed that these feelings were caused by a lot of things. He agreed not to tell my parents and he sent me to counseling.

My first experience was with LDS family services. I pulled up to a stake center across town, and someone from LDS social services told me that because of problems with the relationship with my Dad, I had same-gender attraction. He told me a story about how he had ADHD and passed his test to become a therapist anyway. I cried for a long time in the car after. I didn't want to go back to him, and the Bishop agreed to pay to have me see a different therapist.

She was nice. She was LDS and she wasn't pushy or anything, but we talked a lot about me believing I was gay. She talked to me about how in some cultures masculine physical affection was more acceptable, but in ours it wasn't. She believed I just was expressing a natural desire for affection but that I wasn't gay.

I remember reading on the internet, my source for all knowledge at the time, some people believed that homosexuality was caused by sexual abuse. I thought that I might have repressed memories, and my therapist did hypnotherapy with me to explore this. I didn't remember anything. I kind of latched onto this idea though, because it gave me a way for me to explain my same-sex attractions to people.

I confided in my counselor at school, as well as two of the teachers that I might be gay. They were all heterosexual, but they were very understanding and compassionate to my situation. They urged me to take some time to find out about myself, to consider not going to BYU. They worried about how that might interfere my journey of self discovery. One teacher told me to be open to being gay. He told me that his friends had been in a committed monogamous relationship for over 20 years. He gave me a book about a pastor in California that had tried for years to deny himself, but eventually left his marriage and fell in love with a man. Somewhere in this process, I started dating a boy from the musical and from choir. It was mostly a good friendship and it wasn't serious, but we spent a lot of time together. He held my hand. He put his arm around me.

After a couple months, I felt like I should tell my parents. I told my parents I was gay. All hell broke loose. Suddenly my parents, who had kind of left me alone to do my own thing were constantly talking to me or writing me letters about how I would die of AIDS if I lived a "gay lifestyle" about how I was rebelling against the Lord's plan for me. My parents flipped when they found out I had a boyfriend. I was pretty honest with them about how I felt. I felt that it wasn't wrong to hold hands. Why couldn't I just live the standards of the church that apply to boy/girl relationship, but apply them to me and my relationship? Because it became so difficult, I agreed to stop seeing him.

My Dad gave me a book by Nicolosi. A perusal of his books on Amazon includes such title's as A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality or Reparative Therapy for Men. I don't remember the title of the book I read, but the idea of the book was that exotic becomes erotic, that because of a deficiency in my male relationships I had eroticized men.

A short time later, one of my friends came home from Ricks College for the summer. I told him that I thought I was gay. We talked all night. We prayed together on his lawn, and because of him, I decided to one not leave the church and two to try and marry a woman/become straight. He told me to have hope that someday I would find love and to not give up.

I decided to see a male therapist, since I believed that I needed one to help me overcome my "deficiency." He was my friend's Stake President.I wasn't going in trying to do reparative therapy per se, but I was trying to have him help me to overcome the same-sex attraction. When I saw him, he had me read things about how the dynamics of the relationship with my parents created my homosexuality. He said I was too close to my Mom, and too distant from my dad, and this dynamic created same-sex attractions. He told me that just because I was aroused by men didn't mean I was gay. I should let myself feel free to have all the sexual feelings I want for women, that me feeling embarrassed about sex made it so I had fantasies about men and not women. At the end of our time, he told me that he as a therapist could only do so much, but that the atonement would heal me.

In September of that year, I went with my Dad to an Evergreen International Conference. I heard A. Dean Byrd rail against the APA from taking homosexuality out of the DSM-IV. I head stories about how people had been excommunicated and come back and been excommunicated again. I remember them talking about cruising and having sex in bathrooms and all kinds of things. It was a heartbreaking experience to hear what they'd been through. But a lot of them had overcome this and gotten married. This gave me hope.

I also remember them talking about playing baseball to help feel more masculine. At the end I remember there was a fireside, and at the fireside I met a boy named Jon. He was from Provo and his Mom was there, and she didn't want us talking. But he did anyway. I remember wishing I could get to know him better. My Dad and I left the conference with a bunch of books that my Dad bought me. One was a workbook for Men on how to overcome SSA. I was on my way to becoming straight, or at least "diminishing" my feelings of same-sex attraction.

(To be continued)

Coming Back

It's 1:30 AM. I should be sleeping or working on a paper. I'm not particularly restless, but I feel the need to write.

I'm at the end of my first year Ph.d program. My wife and I filed for divorce two months ago. I told my wife right after Christmas that I was gay. It seemed like the right thing to do. That seems like a long time ago but it wasn't. So much has happened since then.

Sometimes I wish that I could take the last few months back and do them over. Because while I may be gay, that word may not mean what you think it means. It doesn't mean you made a mistake getting married. It doesn't mean you don't love your wife. It doesn't mean you'll be happier leaving your wife. It doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship with a man to be happy. And it doesn't mean you have to leave the church. It doesn't mean you have to have sex with men to be true to yourself. And it doesn't mean you have to come out and tell everyone about it.

If you choose to do any of those things, you may be happier. It may be what you need. But it doesn't have to be. Me,I did some of those things, but not all. I've never kissed a man. I've never had sex with anyone but my wife. I'm in love with her. I miss her now. I want to be with her and I want to kiss her and hold her. If that means I'm bi, that's fine. Maybe I'm just a gay man in love with his wife. And maybe it doesn't matter if I fit into a box or are doing things according to what other people think I should do.

Leaving my wife hasn't brought me happiness. That's not quite right. My wife leaving me hasn't brought me happiness. There was sort of a mutual leaving, and a mutual getting divorced, and a mutual giving up on the relationship.

I've learned a lot since then. And I've made a lot of mistakes. There are things I wish I'd known. I wish I had come to know myself and what I wanted before I got married. I don't regret marrying her, but I was immature and uncommitted. And the list could go on.

I blamed a lot of problems in my relationship on being gay. But maybe there are reasons we got into the relationship or good things precisely because I'm gay. It is only part of the picture. There are so many dimensions and aspects to a relationship. Don't let this define you or your relationship completely.

I guess all I want to stay is don't go running off and leaving your wife just yet. There will be people that will tell you that's the only way to be happy. You are living a lie. You aren't being true to yourself. Well going out and doing things that you've never done before with people you don't really know isn't being anymore true to yourself. You may not even want to do them, so don't feel pressure to. I didn't do them. But I almost did. That's another story.

I'm back in the church now. I never really left it but I did stop going for a few weeks. It's not easy. But it's brought me a lot of help in a time when I need it. I can neither renounce my faith, nor deny this part of myself. I think I have a long road ahead.

I often wish I had my wife and best friend by my side to help me. She's done a lot for me, and I haven't taken the time to thank her for it. I didn't think about her needs enough. I was selfish and self centered, and if I could go back I'd change that. I should have put her needs above my own. And now I'm going to. I've hurt our relationship by the things I said and the things I've done. I would change that too.


The point is, be true to yourself. Not to some ideal of what you think you should be or be doing as a gay man, or otherwise. And be true to God. And let the other things fall in place.

I'm an imperfect man, giving an imperfect message. But I hope the message will come across in spite of this.