I'm resurrecting this blog because I realize I have more to say about coming out, growing up Mormon, and life after coming out. I'd like to start with a link to an article I was interviewed for a few years ago about living an authentic life. Kat McGowan from Psychology Today found my comment on an article written about reparative therpy (therapy that attempts to make people straight who are gay also called conversion therapy) about my experiences and called me to interview me. Reading it was a reminder to me how much energy I wasted seeking external validation at the expense of my own self. The article can be found here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201301/living-lie
Although it manifests itself in different forms, I still find myself stuck too often trying to seek validation externally instead of being true to my own needs and desires. The ways I do this may not be as drastic as hiding in the closet to make others happy, but there are lots of ways I don't take care of myself in order to seek validation that I'm ok from someone else.
I've been reading a book called The Velvet Rage and in it Alan Downs talks about toxic shame and the behaviors we engage in to try to avoid feeling the pain of shame. His main point is that we'll do anything to avoid the feeling of shame, a shame put on us from growing up gay and feeling that we weren't ok. Sometimes we've spent so long trying to numb our shame we don't recognize we are doing it anymore. The key is to admit what we feel and to tolerate that feeling (and since it is a feeling, temporary) instead of always trying to avoid it.
I've started to study Buddhism and one of the main tenets is that pain is inevitable and we create additional suffering by trying to crave pleasure or avoid pain. Sitting with the feeling in meditation and then letting it go is tremendously powerful for me. Mindfulness, or being aware, is one of the ways we overcome shame or other things (like resentment) that hold us back. The first step though is to notice and then sit with the feeling.
I've come a long way but I have a long way to go. But my goal going forward is to engage with this process and share some of the things I've learned along the way. This is the first of hopefully many posts that talk about overcoming shame and trying to live more authentically.
