Monday, October 10, 2011

It gets better

I'm divorced. It was recently finalized.

As I think back over the last few months, it's been really rough on me. That's an understatement. Today I was reading over a letter I sent to a friend to tell him what I went through. Then I came across this video on youtube which brought me back to what had been going on for the last few months, and over the last few years.

It brought me to tears. I played this song when I was 17, and then rediscovered it recently. It's a way for me to express the depression, the loneliness, self doubt, but also the sublime acceptance and peace I've felt. It's all there. It's like there are two Alex's, duking it out for survival. One was the married family man, or the boy who has tried his all life to become that man, and the other is the gay man I shut off, buried away, suppressed at all costs. They both "come out" from time to time. They are at war with each other. My hope is that someday I'll be a gay married family man and they'll be at peace.

But until then, I know it isn't going to be easy. I've questioned myself so many times, wondering if I made the right decision, trying to undo my decision by saying "no I'm not really gay, I'm bi." I've one week left the church and another gone crying back. I think that is surprisingly normal given the circumstances. At one point I took down my blog posts wondering what I'd been saying, wondering if this was alright. I think as a whole my blog shows this. But luckily I didn't delete them. I was angry, frustrated confused. I've felt all that and more as I've tried to make myself fit some box or category I don't fit.

It's been hell. At times it's been worse than that. But it's over. That chapter in my life is over and gone. I'm coming out. I'm divorced. I'm going forward. It isn't some magic switch or pill. It's been hard. But it gets better. I know, because it's better now. It's not perfect. It's not easy. I don't have life figured out. I don't think I ever will. But suddenly, I don't care what people think a much, I'm just me. and I'm ok with that. I know my family and some friends will disagree with me, and even pressure me to live a life I know I can't live anymore. But I won't. I know they care, but they are wrong.

And so now I step out into the unknown. I don't know what to feel or think religiously. I'm Mormon, but not in the same sense as I was before. I don't go to church. I don't plan on being "active" for a long time now. I don't know if they'll excommunicate me someday for my choices. But it doesn't matter. I have my faith, I am living what I believe to be true, and I'm willing to act on things I've always believed were true. And so I step into the dark, but also into the light, to see where this journey takes me.

4 comments:

  1. I'm really glad things are getting better for you. Best of luck to you.

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  2. Alex, it really does get better. Hang in there!

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  3. you "took the road less traveled by, and that [will make] the difference."

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