Another late night

Another late night post. It could be worse, it's just after midnight.
I miss her terribly. To lose her has been devastating. I do ok with this game of denial, until I wake up and she's in my dreams, or I go to bed wishing she were here beside me.
Sometimes I dream that everything is back to how it was. And it feels wonderful. And then I wake up to reality, and I just sob.
I feel like my emotions are bleeding all over this blog page, and that's not really what I want. I just want to say that I do love her with all my heart. I wish she was back. I wish I knew how to make that happen.
But it feels like it's too late. She's told me as much. I'd given up hope, but I feel like I shouldn't give up hope totally.
I often get asked what I want. And not believing it's possible, I hedge around the question. But what I want is to be myself, but to be with her. I don't need to be with a man for that to happen.
I do want a boyfriend sometimes. I want someone to console me, help me forget her. And I could have it. But I don't want it as much as I want to be married to her. To have her back in my life and in my arms.
I think I just have to take it a day at a time. It isn't easy. I don't know if it ever gets better. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. But I guess the sharpness of the pain will subside.
I've never been through something like this, where no matter what I do or how hard I try, it doesn't go away. It's there when I sleep, it's there when I wake up, it's there when I'm not even thinking about it. This terrible sadness and pain from losing the woman I love.